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Writing for Feedback - Doctor Who - The Dalek Singularity

Hi All,

I am new to the forum. This is my first time posting a sample. This the beginning of a Doctor Who strip (Capaldi era) I’m hoping to submit to Panini UK for Doctor Who magazine. I will post more once I have it. It starts off slow on the first page but that’s for a reason.

Any feedback / critique would be appreciated.


The Dalek Singularity - Issue 1, Part 1 of 2 - By Stuart Scott

Page 1 (4 panels)

Panel 1 – We see Tardis from the above and behind. It is resting at the top of a small incline leading up from an idyllic unpopulated beach. Glorious sunshine is blazing from twin suns. At the bottom of the incline are the Doctor (dressed in his normal attire) and Clara (dressed like she has come from a beach, sunhat sandals etc.)

CLARA: I CANNOT BELIEVE THE WHOLE TIME WE’VE BEEN HERE YOU’VE NOT SO MUCH AS TAKEN YOUR SHOES OFF.

DOCTOR: IT’S THE SAND, IT MAY LOOK LOVELY BUT IT GETS EVERYWHERE. MAKE SURE YOU DON’T WALK IT INTO THE TARDIS, SHE WON’T THANK YOU FOR IT.

Panel 2 – Same shot except the Doctor and Clara are further up the incline now more details are visible. Clara is looking around in wonder, Doctor is looking smug.

CLARA: I’M GLAD I GOT TO SEE ELYSIUM LIKE THIS. AFTER THE BOMBARDMENT BY THE H.M.S.S FLYDALE NORTH I THOUGHT I’D MISSED THE OPPORTUNITY.

DOCTOR: WHAT’S THE POINT OF A TIME MACHINE IF YOU CANNOT VISIT THE GALAXIES BEAUTY SPOTS BEFORE THEY ARE DEVELOPED-- (muttered) OR RAZED BY OVERZEALOUS IMPERIALISTS.

Panel 3 – Same shot but now the pair are at the top of the incline the Doctor is gesturing out at the horizon whilst Clara is half paying attention whilst unlocking the Tardis.

DOCTOR: ARE YOU SURE YOU DON’T WANT TO STAY ANY LONGER? THERE ARE STILL 2 MORE CONTINENTS TO EXPLORE.

CLARA: AS TEMPTING AS THAT SOUNDS I COULD DO WITH A SHOWER AND A BIT OF EXC—

Panel 4 – Close up on Clara from the inside of the Tardis she is now looking into the open doorway of the Tardis shocked / scared. The Doctor is visible behind her also shocked. What they are looking at is not visible.

DALEK TZU (op Dalek font):
DOC…TOR!.

CAP:
RETURNING TO THE TARDIS AFTER A BREAK ON THE LEISURE PLANET OF ELYSIUM THE DOCTOR AND CLARA DISCOVER AN UNEXPECTED GUEST.

Page 2 (4 panels)

Panel 1 – We see silhouettes of Doctor (dressed normally) and Clara (dressed like she has come from a beach, sunhat sandals etc.) in foreground standing in the Tardis doorway looking into the Tardis shocked. Between them we see DALEK TZU an aged Dalek commander standing in front of the central control panel facing them. This guy is worn, decorated from numerous battles. He has been around for a long time, imagine a steampunk style Dalek. He fought WITH the Doctor during the time war as comrades in arms. Give him some personality. He will appear throughout this arc. We want to give readers the impression that this potential enemy has somehow gotten into the Tardis and has introduced a threat to this this otherwise tranquil scene. However DALEK TZU has a slight blueish hue to indicate he is a hologram.

CAP:
THEIR REVELRY CUT SHORT BY A GHOST FROM THE DOCTORS PAST.

Panel 2 – We see the reaction of the Doctor and Clara. Clara is looking uncomfortable at her attire when in presence of potential foe hiding herself. The Doctor is shielding Clara behind himself whilst holding out the sonic screwdriver.

THE DOCTOR:
THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE. YOU CAN’T BE HERE?

Panel 3 – Dalek Commander looms over Doctor and Clara.

DALEK TZU:
YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE GOOD AT SUR-VIVE-ING.

CLARA:
HOW IS IT HERE?

Panel 4 – Full on shot of Dalek Tzu. Blue tint is more pronounced we can now see that he is being broadcast from a holo emitter on the ceiling of the Tardis central column. The Doctor is inspecting it with sonic screwdriver whilst Clara has a closer look at the Dalek poking into the hologram.

THE DOCTOR:
HE IS NOT HERE, HE’S A HOLOGRAM. PERFECTLY SAFE… I THINK.

CLARA:
I GOT THAT, BUT DOESN’T THE TARDIS BLOCK UNWANTED CALLS?

DOCTOR (cont):
NOT WHEN THE CALLER HAS OUR NUMBER.

CAP:
REALISATION THAT THEIR GUEST IS NOT A THREAT REPLACES FEAR WITH CURIOUSITY.

Page 3 (5 panels)

Panel 1 – Clara looking at the Doctor (off panel) quizzically, Dalek Tzu is behind her. She has turned her back to it, obviously no longer intimidated.

DALEK TZU:
THE UNIVERSE IS…

CLARA (cutting off Tzu):
SHH YOU.

CLARA (continued):
WHAT DO YOU MEAN HAS OUR NUMBER, IT’S A DALEK? YOU HATE DALEKS.

Panel 2 – Doctor looks coy wrinkled up face and shrugging with hands raised.

THE DOCTOR:
IT’S A LONG STORY, AND SOME OF THEM ARE ALRIGHT.

Panel 3 – Doctor returns their attention to Dalek Tzu by indicating him with outstretched arms thus giving him the floor.

THE DOCTOR (To Dalek):
NOW, WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT THE UNIVERSE?

Panel 4 – Dalek commander looking intimidating.

DALEK TZU:
THE UNIVERSE IS IN GRAVE DANGER. YOU MUST ASSIST THE DALEKS.

CLARA (op):
ASSIST YOU?

Panel 5 – Clara and Doctors reaction to the news. Both slightly perplexed. Clara is speaking conspiratorially to the Doctor behind her hand.

CLARA (To doctor):
…THEY KNOW WHO YOU ARE RIGHT?

Page 4 (5 panels)

Panel 1 – The hologram of Dalek Tzu looks somewhat patheric. It’s eye piece, laser and plunger are lowered, perhaps with wavy lines to indicate the plunger quaking in fear.

DALEK TZU:
(Quivering like scared) THE DALEK SINGULARITY CANNOT BE CONTAINED. QUARANTINE IS FUTILE. MASS EXTERMINATION IMMINENT. EQUILIBRIUM MUST BE RESTORED. WILL… YOU… HELP… US…?

Panel 2 – Doctor gestures over his shoulder with his thumb at another corner of the Tardis control room, Clara is standing next to him looking intrigued.

DOCTOR:
HMM, TEMPTING REQUEST, JUST GIVE ME A MOMENT TO CONSULT WITH MY COLLEAGUE.

Panel 3 – Doctor and Clara now have their backs to Dalek Tzu who can still be seen in the background. They are hunched together conspiratorially.

DOCTOR:
WELL THAT’S NEW…

CLARA:
WHAT?

DOCTOR (cont):
HE SEEMS SCARED. AND TO MY KNOWLEDGE THERE’S ONLY ONE THING IN THE UNIVERSE THAT SCARES DALEKS…

Panel 4 – Close up of Doctors eyes looking quite sinister;

CLARA (Caption):
LET ME GUESS…

DOCTOR:
ME

Panel 5 – Clara and Doctor both looking over their shoulders at Dalek Tzu. Clara has a sympathetic expression. Doctor looks excited at this new puzzle.

CLARA:
WHICH BEGS THE QUESTION, WHAT CAN GET THEM SCARED ENOUGH TO CALL YOU FOR HELP?

DOCTOR:
INDEED, THEY MUST BE DESPERATE.

Page 5 (5 panels)

Panel 1 – View of a stark industrial looking Dalek R&D facility based within an asteroid, lots of jutting pylons and dishes. Whilst we cannot see it yet this facility has an artificial black hole at its centre so the asteroid needs to be big enough to accommodate this. The asteroid is in orbit above a similarly a stark looking Dalek manufacturing world. Both will appear throughout this arc. The Tardis is flying towards a hanger deck in the side of the asteroid base ignored by passing Dalek patrol ships.

CAP:
“…We’ll do it!”

THE DOCTOR (coming out of Tardis):
WELL THIS IS NICE. WHY DIDN’T WE COME HERE FOR VACATION?

CLARA (coming out of Tardis):
PLEASE TELL ME YOU ARE JOKING!

Panel 2 - The TARDIS parked in the middle of a DALEK hanger deck on the asteroid base. In the distance Dalek patrol craft can be seen through an entrance to space. Leading from the Tardis to the hangers exit are an impressive uniform display of Daleks lined up in a ceremonial fashion with different colours and styles in different positions across the hanger deck (like Emperors arrival on Death Star in Star Wars ROTJ). Waiting outside the Tardis to greet the Doctor is the Dalek subcommander, a black contemporary Dalek that needs to have something distinctive about him to stand out from others they will encounter.

CAP:
UNABLE TO MATERIALISE WITHIN THE DALEKS BASE THE DOCTOR TAKES THE TARDIS IN MANUALLY

Panel 3 – View from behind Doctor and Clara standing in the open doorway of the Tardis looking out over the congregation. Clara has changed into something more suitable.

THE DOCTOR:
LOOKS LIKE THEY PUT ON A WELCOMING PARTY.

CLARA:
YEAH, WHAT’S TO STOP THEM EXTERMINATING US THE FIRST CHANCE THEY GET?

Panel 4 – Panel 2 image but with Doctor and Clara standing at entrance to the Tardis.

DALEKS (all together):
TRUCE.

Panel 5 – The pair have ventured out from the Tardis to be greeted by Dalek Subcommander. Clara is looking around in fascination. Doctor is all business.

DALEK SUBCOMMANDER:
YOU WILL COME TO NO HARM. YOUR PRESENCE IS REQUESTED. YOU WILL FOLLOW.


That’s it for now. I’m aiming to get the last pages of issue one up later this week or early next.

Thanks,

Stuart

3 Likes

Rubs hands together.

OOOOHHHH, a Doctor Who script! And I’ve also got quite a few Doctor Who magazine issues (I think you should also submit it to Doctor Who Adventures magazine). I’ll be back in 5 minutes with critique.

Hi @thenerdlifechoseme.

By the sounds of it you are definitely my target audience, lol. I was thinking the theme is a bit dark for Adventures, this will come out in the second part of this issue. But will take your advice on that once you have read it.

Look forward to hearing what you have to say.

Cheers,

Stuart

1 Like
  1. This Doctor is more or a Matt Smith than a Capaldi. It won’t hurt canon if you change that, because…well, it’s Doctor Who.

  2. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, don’t make it a nefarious Dalek scheme to trap the Doctor. To be honest, I’m tired of that storyline. Maybe add an even greater villain, and/or make this a newly-made “peaceful” Dalek facton.

  3. The way you wrote it tells me that you’re a Whovian (you are, right?). That’s really important in a Doctor Who script. It feels just a Doctor Who episode and not some bad fan fiction.

  4. Please update.

Thanks for the feedback @thenerdlifechoseme. Does it look like it would fit into the Panini books?

In answer to your points.

  1. I just hear Capaldi in my head when I write it. He is a bit sillier than usual. This is Capaldi when he is playing guitar or insulting people. He will get serious in due course.

  2. It’s definitely not a scheme. It is a team up. TZU is basically the Daleks Doctor. I want to challenge the fact that the Doctor is a racist against Daleks but a hypocrite when TZU is concerned.

  3. I do enjoy Doctor Who, especially Capaldi / Clara. Am not a hardore Whovian. But do my research. And defo want to come across as true to it as possible.

  4. Keep reading. The singularity has dual meaning. ;-).

Cheers,

Stuart

3 Likes

PS Can you check out my new script too pls? I sent u the link in PM.

Sure thing. I will have a look tomorrow and give you some feedback. Is it Who as well?

1 Like

No, it’s the first series in an expanded universe I’m setting up. It’s superheroes, action, science-fiction.

Hi All,

Here is the second half of issue 1. I’d appreciate any feedback people have.


The Dalek Singularity - Issue 1, Part 2 of 2 - By Stuart Scott

Page 6 (5 panels)

Panel 1 – Dalek Sub Commander has led the Doctor and Clara out of the hanger and through an airlock leading into the base. The Doctor is examining scorch marks from laser fire on the walls around the base side of the airlock. Clara is looking back at the amassed Daleks through the closing airlock door (which also has scorch marks on it) slightly uneasy. There is a sign indicating they are on the highest level from the planets hollow core.

CLARA:
ARE THEY ALL JUST GOING TO STAY THERE LIKE THAT?

DALEK SUBCOMMANDER:
AFFIRMATIVE.

Panel 2 – Clara is looking at the Dalek Sub Commander quizzically. The Doctor is still examining scorch marks in the background. Now focussing on the closed and sealed airlock door.

CLARA:
WHY? DON’T THEY HAVE JOBS TO DO?

DALEK SUBCOMMANDER:
THEIR FUNCTION IS TO PREVENT ESCAPE

Panel 3 – Close up on Clara’s alarmed face.

CLARA:
ESCAPE! YOU INVITED US HERE.

Panel 4 – The Doctor has turned away from his examination of the scorch marks.

DOCTOR:
I THINK HE IS REFERRING TO WHOEVER WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR THESE.

DALEK SUBCOMMANDER (op):
CORRECT.

Panel 5 – The Doctor stands before the Dalek Sub Commander questioningly gesturing at the scorch marks.

DOCTOR
WHAT HAPPENED HERE?

DALEK SUBCOMMANDER:
COME. HE WILL EX-PLAIN.

Page 7 (6 panels)

Panel 1 –The group are in a different location deeper into the base, the scorch marks are joined by debris on the floor and a Dalek sized hole in one of the walls. A fire is burning. There is a sign indicating the group are half way down to the asteroids hollow core. The Doctor looks stern.

CAPTION:
THEY PROCEED IN SILENCE. THE SUB COMMANDER UNWILLING TO SHARE ANYTHING ELSE.

Panel 2 – The scorch marks and debris are joined by shattered Daleks littering the floors. The Doctor is kneeling looking even sterner whilst examining a distinctive Dalek dome (we’ll see this later) that has been half melted. In the foreground is the silhouette of the steaming charred husk of a dead Kaled. Clara is covering her mouth to indicate it’s making her sick. There is a sign indicating the group are almost at the asteroids hollow core.

CAPTION:
SURVEYING THE DESTRUCTION THAT HAS BEFALLEN THE BASE AND IT’S OCCUPANTS.

Panel 3 – This should take up the bulk of the page. Dalek Sub Commander escorts Doctor and Clara across a gantry. Below them a large Dalek attack squad are assembling in front of a large secure looking airlock leading to the Asteroids hollow core. In front of them a small Dalek maintenance crew are hauling away debris from a massive pile blocking access to the airlock (we’ll find out later this was caused by Tzu opening all the inner airlocks and adjusting the shields around the black hole to suck the attackers into the core). Both visitors attention is drawn to the activity below. The entrance to the control centre is just ahead of them at the other side of the gantry, we can see dark shapes in the control centre via an observation window. The silhouette of Tzu is visible but not noticed by the visitors.

CAPTION:
UNTIL THEY ENCOUNTER DALEKS PREPARING FOR WAR.

CLARA:
WHAT ARE THEY DOING?

DALEK SUBCOMMANDER:
THEY ARE PREPARING TO EXTERMINATE THE MIS-TAKES.

Panel 4 – Doctor and Clara block Dalek Sub Commander from entering the main Dalek control centre.

THE DOCTOR:
NOW HOLD ON. I’VE ONLY BEEN HERE 5 MINUTES AND YOU ARE ALREADY EXTERMINATING. WHAT HAPPENED TO ME HELPING YOU?

CLARA:
AND, WHAT ARE THE MISTAKES?

Panel 5 – Control centre door is now open with Dalek Tzu standing in the entrance behind Doctor and Clara looking back in surprise.

DALEK TZU:
I WILL EX-PLAIN.

Panel 6 – The group follow Tzu into the control centre.

DOCTOR:
OKAY. BUT NOONE GETS EXTERMINATED UNLESS I SAY SO.

Page 8 (5 panels)

Panel 1 – We see the R&D facility in better times. Dalek scientists are working on various machinery in a large room. At the centre of which are 3 Superior Daleks attached to nearby apparatus that includes control panels. Superior Daleks are more deadly appearing Daleks. They are leaner than regular Daleks, as they are purely robotic there is no need for a pilot. Imagine if Apple designed the Daleks, this is it. One Superior Dalek should be in the centre of the page with a Dalek Scientist working on it with the two other Superior Daleks either side in the background.

CAPTION:
TWO DAYS AGO

DALEK TZU (op):
OUR SCIENTISTS FELT THAT FLESH WAS A WEAKNESS.

Panel 2 – We see a control panel next to the centre Superior Dalek showing an upload at 90%.

DALEK TZU (op):
WE CREATED A DALEK THAT DID NOT REQUIRE AN OPERATOR. THEY WERE TO BE THE ULTIMATE WEAPON.

Panel 3 – Upload is at 100%, lead Superior Daleks eye brightens up white.

SUPERIOR DALEK LEADER:
WHAT-AM-I?

DALEK SCIENTIST:
YOU ARE A WEAPON.

Panel 4 – We see the room from Lead Superior Daleks eye view. The Dalek scientist is covered by a heads up display that shows the Kaled operator inside. It is labelled as being a weakness and redundant to requirements.

DALEK SCIENTIST:
YOU SERVE THE DALEKS.

Panel 5 – We see Lead Superior Daleks eye glow red. In the background the other Superior Daleks consoles indicate that their uploads have commenced.

SUPERIOR DALEK LEADER:
INCORRECT. I AM A SUPERIOR DA-LEK. YOU ARE INFERIOR.YOU WILL BE EXTERMINATED.

DALEK SCIENTIST (shrill):
YOU WILL OBEY!

Page 9 (6 panels)

Panel 1 – The three superior Daleks are shown blowing their way out of the lab door into a base corridor. Leaving all the Dalek Scientists and their equipment destroyed behind them. The panel is framed by the weapons of Dalek guards waiting to confront them.

SFX:
BOOM!

SUPERIOR DALEKS (in unison):
EXTERMINATE!

DALEK GUARDS (several of these no trail):
EXTERMINATE!

Panel 2 – We see the Superior Daleks annihilating the group of dead Daleks from page 7. The focus is on the Lead Superior Dalek shooting the dome off of the Dalek that the Doctor was examining.

DALEK SUBCOMMANDER (op):
THE MISTAKES TRIED TO REACH THE HANGERS. OUR RESISTANCE WAS-- IN EFFECTIVE.

Panel 3 – View of a frightened Kaled in the now exposed Dalek casing looking up out at the Lead Superior Dalek looming above it. Lead Superior Daleks plunger is reaching inside the Dalek casing.

DALEK SUB COMMANDER (op):
THEY WERE SUPERIOR.

Panel 4 – We see Dalek Tzu in the hanger deck from earlier standing in front of a steampunk style Dalek craft. His attention drawn to a red heat mark on the hanger bay doors caused by the lasers of the Superior Daleks.

DALEK TZU:
WHEN I ARRIVED THE MISTAKES WERE ONE AIRLOCK FROM FREE-DOM.

Panel 5 – The large airlock from earlier is open we see the 3 Superior Daleks trying to resist being sucked out into the void beyond along with other random debris. Looming behind them is the artificial black hole surrounded by the machinery used to keep it contained and draw power from it.

SFX:
WHOOSH

DALEK TZU (op):
I OPENED THE INNER AIR LOCKS AND ADJUSTED THE SINGULARITIES CONTAINMENT FIELDS SO THAT IT’S FORCE WOULD DRAG THEM INTO THE CORE.

Panel 6 – Daleks Tzu and Dalek Sub Commander standing before the massive airlock to the inner core which is obscured by rubble that was sucked here by the gravitational forces. A slight red spot is visible behind the rubble.

DALEK SUB COMMANDER (op):
THIS STRATEGY HALTED THEIR ESCAPE…

Page 10 (6 panels)

Panel 1 – Dalek Tzu and Dalek Sub Commander are by a situation table which has a holographic representation of the asteroid in cross section. It shows that a large area leading from near the core up towards the hanger bay has been damaged. Within the core the black hole at the centre of the Asteroid is visible as is the machinery surrounding it to keep it contained and draw power from it. Within the the core are 3 targets bunched together representing the Superior Daleks. Doctor and Clara are visible in the foreground to make it clear we have returned to the present. Both are watching the situation table.

DALEK SUB COMMANDER:
…BUT THEY SUR-VIIIVE.

Panel 2 – Doctor staring intently at the three targets on the hologram now zoomed in to show the Superior Daleks, he looks visibly disturbed by the Daleks tale. Dalek Tzu and Dalek Sub Commander are visible behind him.

DOCTOR:
WHAT ARE YOUR LOSSES?

DALEK TZU:
GRAVE. WE ARE AT 20% CAPACITY.

DALEK SUB COMMANDER:
WE ARE MANUFACTURING NEW UNITS ON THE PLANET BELOW. BUT AWAIT OP-ER-A-TORS.

Panel 3 – The Doctor has turned away from the console to face the Daleks. He looks puzzled. One hand is on his hip as the other gestures at the exit where the Dalek force are preparing to attack. Clara is beside him also looking confused.

DOCTOR:
IF YOUR SO WEAKENED WHY ARE YOU STRIKING NOW?

CLARA:
WHY CAN’T YOU JUST LEAVE THEM IN THERE?

DALEK TZU (op):
THE MISTAKES ARE TESTING THE LIMITS OF THEIR CON-TAIN-MENT. THEY WILL ESCAPE. AND THE UNIVERSE WILL BURN!

Panel 4 – Clara looking annoyed.

CLARA:
WE SAW WHAT HAPPENED THE LAST TIME YOU CONFRONTED THEM. WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU CAN BEAT THEM THIS TIME?

DALEK SUB COMMANDER (op):
WE ARE DALEK. WE WILL PREVAIL!

Panel 5 – Doctor looks aghast. Dalek Tzu and Dalek Sub Commander stare at him blankly.

DOCTOR:
THAT’S IT. NO GRAND PLAN. NO BIGGER GUNS. JUST WE ARE DALEK!

Panel 6 – Inset panel showing Doctor pointing at Dalek Tzu chastising.

DOCTOR (to Tzu):
I EXPECTED MORE FROM YOU.

Page 11 (5 panels)

Panel 1 – Clara gets up in the faces of Dalek Tzu and Dalek Subcommander who are standing in front of the holographic situation table. Clara is visibly angry, the Daleks passively look down on her.

CLARA (to Dalek Subcommander):
HOLD ON, FORGETTING THE FACT YOU ARE CASUALLY DISCUSSING THE EXTERMINATION OF A NEW LIFEFORM. IF YOU ARE SO CONFIDENT THIS ATTACK OF YOURS WILL WORK THEN WHY ARE WE HERE?

DALEK TZU:
CONTINGENCY.

Panel 2 – The Doctor and Dalek Tzu exchange a look that shows they both know the attack isn’t going to work.

DOCTOR (mutters):
AH I SEE.

Panel 3 – Clara still angry, has turned her attention to Tzu.

CLARA:
HAVE YOU EVEN TRIED TALKING TO THEM? ASKING WHAT THEY WANT?

DALEK TZU:
THEY ARE DALEK.

CLARA (continued):
THAT DIDN’T REALLY ANSWER MY QUESTION.

Panel 4 – The Doctor has stepped between Clara and Tzu and has rested a hand on Clara’s shoulder to calm her.

DOCTOR:
YES IT DID.

Panel 5 – Dalek Sub Commander is now looking out of the viewing window at the clearance going on below.

DALEK SUB COMMANDER:
THE CLEARANCE IS ALMOST COMPLETE. HOW SHOULD WE PROCEED DOC-TOR?

Page 12 (1 panel)

Panel 1 – A close up on the Doctor standing by the holographic panel staring intently at the Superior Dalek looking deadly serious his face cast in red light. Dalek Tzu is beside him, symbolising that the Doctor is standing by his assessment of the situation. Standing behind the Doctor is Clara looking shocked. Dalek Sub Commander is standing by the exit near the window ready to spring to action.

DOCTOR:
EXTERMINATE

CAPTION:
TO BE CONTINUED.


I have the first half of issue 2 written out but will save that until after I get feedback on this.

Cheers,
Stuart

2 Likes

Hi Stuart,

Apologies for taking some time to get back to you.

I read your story. I liked it. I thought that the tone was okay. I read the Doctor’s dialogue with Capaldi’s voice, so that scanned fine for me, particularly given that the character was a bit sillier in the last series as compared to his first.

Another writer advised me to read all of me dialogue out loud. If it sounds stupid when you do that, you probably need to rewrite it. Obviously the bonus is that you get to be the Doctor for a while. :smile:

You haven’t blown the plot point about why the Doctor is helping this particular Dalek. Can I assume that’s going to come back at some later date. I guess the challenge is to show how these particular Daleks are different from the others.

My main suggestions are around structure. I read Doctor Who Magazine on a monthly basis. I know that the comic strip runs to about 12 pages each month. The pages are bigger than a standard comic book page, so there is a bit more real estate to play with. Routinely I see between 8 and 10 panels per page. If you don’t pick that up, it might be worth getting a copy or two and checking out what they normally do. I normally find it quite a dense read (in that that there is a lot of it) and very different from the experience of reading a normal comic.

Also, I know that Clara has been phased out in the monthly strip. However as a spec script or a sample, I assume that would be okay (I have no idea what their submissions policy is like).

In any case, thank you for sharing your script with us. I really did enjoy it. I will stress that I’m not an expert, so take anything I say with as many grains of salt as you think are appropriate.

2 Likes

Hi @Simonjones,

Thanks for your feedback. It’s very much appreciated. I am glad you liked the story.

I knew the DWM stories were 12 pages but didn’t pick up on them having more panels. I’ll definitely have to keep that in mind. Having those would have made particular sections easier ;-). I was worried that this was quite dense, and the second issue even more so as it has lots of moral debating going.

I’m glad you read it as Capaldi other people have seen other Doctors. Do you think Clara was accurate?

In answer to what makes these Daleks special, are you referring to the ones the Doctor is helping? This would be explained in the second issue. Basically the Doctor has a history with Tzu, they have worked together in the past (I took this idea from the opening of the 1996 special when the Daleks and timelords teamed up to stop the Master). If Tzu say’s something is bad the Doctor believes him so in this case the enemy of his frenemy are his enemy. The Singularity refers to the fact that these new artificial Daleks have surpassed their creators, who are already the Universes big bad, so what the hell are they going to be like if they escape?

It’s a shame Clara has been phased out (had to happen eventually). But as you say, hopefully this would work as a decent spec script. Would you recommend any major changes before I submit it?

Cheers.
Stuart

1 Like

Of course. The Master is on trial at the start, and they leave an impression of Daleks as some sort of galactic police force.

That’s what I love about Doctor Who. There is so much inconsistency, you can go in many different directions.

I though Clara’s dialogue was okay. I know that a lot of the dialogue with the Doctor is in the form of screwball comedy type point scoring. That might be something to try, but it might not fit the context. It could help to lighten the mood a little bit.

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That’s how she start’s off but then the humour kind of drops off once they get to the base. I’ll have to look into that.

Cheers,
Stuart

1 Like

It could be a way to keep things light when dealing with a dark subject.

I do like the idea of the Daleks creating and losing control of an apex predator.

In any case, good luck with your story.

1 Like

Cheers. I will let you know how I get on.

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I hasten to add that there are people in these here parts who are far more qualified to critique than I, so see what other people have to offer.

1 Like