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Write Off 7: Altered Egos - pick a winner


#21

Thanks for being cool about it.


#22

Cool is my middle name, Bruce Cool Norris😄


#23

“A case of mistaken identity” by youngduke

Tony,

There is so much to unpack here. Wow.

I think it’s more or less a stand-off between movie Deadpool and comicbook Deadpool…and it’s (seemingly) more about public perception than it is about control over dp’s body…(I could be wrong about that. Merely my interpretation.)

A brief thought about Deadpool. I’m not super familiar with the character. I read some trades this summer, and it’s like you have to be trained how to read it! there’s the regular dialouge, and it is often at odds with the captions that are voices inside Wade’s head… I guess that makes it…hip? Sophisticated?

Redacting Deadpool’s dialouge makes it much easier to read. I will say this about the x’ed out dialouge: Why is it all the same length? And why no puncuation? I understand the character’s effectively been gagged, but I just hear it as muffled dialouge you can’t understand. Why no sentence varration? What do you" hear" when you’re writing it? white noise? Static? No sound at all?

Page one/panel five. This suppose to be urbane and not urban, right?

Page four. I like your nod to Grant Morrison’s Animal man run.

Page 4/panel 1 I really like the switching of the artstyle. I contemplated utilizing Bob Fingerman for my Superman/bizarro script…I suspect that trick works for this write-off and this write off only…future participants are not allowed to dig up the king to draw their stories. New rule.

Page 4/panel 4 “CAPTION: He got the idea reading a comic called CHEW, but John Layman wouldn’t agree to prostitute his comic to Ryan Reynolds’ teat, so instead Ryan took the next best option. At least according to his sick, twisted logic.”

The phrasing of this just bugs me. I get the meaning, but it sounds weird. Surely, you want “RR’s ilk” or something to that effect? It’s one thing to suckle at one’s teat, (sup off of somone’s resources) but to sell one’s IP to a celebrity’s teat? I’ve trying to reword this so it makes sense to me…with limited success. At worst, I think it’s only a mixed metaphor. I know you choose your words very carefully. Maybe it just hit my ear weird? Or maybe I’ve spent too much time on it?

This was a lot of fun, and it rewards multiple readings. While it did remind me of Morrison’s Animal man story…it’s more of a successor to the Spider-verse story. (I hope that doesn’t come off as an insult!)I never finished spider verse, but conceptually speaking, it’s very forward thinking. A fun mixing of different mediums. As we go further down the line, as more and more comics turn into movies…this type of story is going to happen more often. I suspect we’re less than a year removed from the publication of ‘Deadpool kills the MCU.’

Sorry. My long winded way of saying that you are able to anticipate trends. You’ve delivered a lot in a short amount of space. Two enviable traits for a writer to possess.

Thanks, Jason


#24

"The dark knight abides"by Marc Elmo

Marc,

Great title! Love it!

Page 2/panel 6 made me laugh. The hand written note is a great visual gag. It goes a long way to establish the idea of an unreliable Batman well before we see him…as does the dramatic lighting on Gordon in the previous panel.

Page 4. Batman being unable to open the van doors really made me laugh.

Page 5. This is the moment that sold me. Commisioner Gordon and Captain Murphy having to adapt to Batman’s bro speak was hilarious. The idea that they can’t communicate with him otherwise is so funny to me.

I think the only criticism I can level is how close the dialouge gets to dialouge used in an episode of Family guy. http://m.imdb.com/title/tt4294820/

I think it’s the use of “Amazeballs”. Swap it for something else?

I also felt it’s pull. My first instinct was to go heavy on the use of the word “dude” and “brah” and all that stuff…but I feel this piece is distinctive enough, organic enough to be judged on it’s own merits. And, I think I’m not being unfairly influenced by the show. Funny is funny. If my enjoyment of your story was fuled only by that association…I’d know something was off. NOT the case here.

There is a fun, Mad magazine-eque quality that I really enjoyed. There are bits that make me think of Superduperman, actually. High praise indeed.

Thank you for submitting it. It was a fun read.
Thanks, Jason


#25

Enjoyed reading your thoughts. For the record, I didn’t actually write Deadpool dialogue for the redacted scenes. I imagine it would be fun to see on the page what you’re talking about.


#26

"Fear himself"by Enders0284

Tim,

First and foremost, I like how you flipped the script. You used a villian and inverted his character traits. I wish I had thought of it first.

That said, I had to change the criteria I used to evaluate this story. I’m assuming it isn’t suppose to be funny? It works as a dramatic piece. It’s also an engaging character study. (Or is this another instance of me not understanding the work?)

Maybe the humor lies in how…uncomplicated Sinistero’s dialouge is? He’s literally saying everything he’s thinking…laying out his motivations, inner feelings…He reminded me of 70s Incredible Hulk. I don’t mean in terms of intelligence. I mean in terms of emotional honesty/innability to lie. This guy is an open book. It’s usual…but is it part of the inversion? Being cowardly/being overally truthful aren’t mutually exclusive…quite the opposite in fact.

Then there’s a loss of control over one’s origin story…that’s a funny concept. The ambivilance Sinistero shows to all that power is interesting. You’ve come up with good ideas ,and you are well-versed in GL lore…but this script still confuses me. Mostly, I’m trying to say that authorial intent is a mystery to me. I’m a little bit lost.

The panel descriptions were short. You used concise words. I am envious of that. My efforts get overly wordy. Typically two pages of descriptions, dialouge, and caps for every one comic page.

Page 3/panels 3 and 4 are wordless, action orinted panels. Comics are suppose to be a balance of imagery and text. You know exactly when to let something breathe, and I’m still learning this. You executed it perfectly.

My final nitpick: you are a shotcaller. So am I. (Perhaps to my detriment!) I try to follow the different shots laid out in film scripts. I know that there is a no universal standard, but I want to cut down on confusion as much as possible. Phrases like “Eye level shot” (page 1/panels 2, 4) are confusing. I THINK it is a POV shot. I jotted a few of the shots down. Please correct me if I get them wrong.

“Top down shot” (page 1/panel 1) is a high angle shot. Shot from above.

“A middle shot” (pg 5/panel 2) is a medium shot. Character fills the frame and cut off, say, abdomin or crotch level.

"A middle-distant shot "(page 3/panel 5). I don’t know this one. Medium shot+long shot? How is this different from a middle shot?

“Side shot” (page 2/panel 2) the character is shot in profile.

“Distant side shot” (pg 6/panel 1) is a character in profile, in a long shot. Seen from a good distance away.

A"mid distant back shot" (pg 7/panel 1) this character is being shot from behind. In a medium shot.

I feel bad nitpicking. Again, no universal standard, AND I feel like I know what you’re driving at…but at the same time, there’s a lot of stopping and translating on my end. Clarity above all else, right?

All in all, it’s a good script. I am confused by some story choices and some technical stuff…but you definitly have a knack for it. I hope to see your work in the next write off. Thanks for submitting.
Jason.


#27

Pretty sure he was going for a dramatic take, which as you say was a nice change of pace, and I wish I’d thought of it, too. Especially clever to make Sinestro fearful.


#28

“THE BRAVE AND THE DENSE”

Congratulations to all that participate in The Write Off. Step one of being a professional is to finish.

Below is the “key” I use when writing reviews;

(+) = I like it.

(-) = Not a fan.

(?) = I don’t understand.

Here we go.

(+) Not much I can say about the writing. I found it clean and clear, no qualms.

(+) Several funny moments.

(+) Could be wrong, but I felt some “old school” esthetics mixed with contemporary ideas in this story.

Nice job.


#29

“A CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY”

Congratulations to all that participate in The Write Off. Step one of being a professional is to finish.

Below is the “key” I use when writing reviews;

(+) = I like it.

(-) = Not a fan.

(?) = I don’t understand.

Let’s get after it.

(+) No issues with writing style.

(+) As stated prior, you address the inevitable with comics and movies, very much predicting a possible trend.

(+) Story was entertaining with several funny moments.

(+)(-) Once all “elements” were introduced, there was an OF COURSE moment. I can’t tell you what that means, only that it can lead to a positive or negative epiphany.

Great work.


#30

Thank you, sir.


#31

“THE DARK KNIGHT ABIDES”

Congratulations to all that participate in The Write Off. Step one of being a professional is to finish.

Below is the “key” I use when writing reviews;

(+) = I like it.

(-) = Not a fan.

(?) = I don’t understand.

Let’s “take it to the lab”.

(+) I have no problems with the writing.

(+) Batman was funny and I enjoyed the story.

(-) This is more about me than the writing…and I don’t know what it “says” as a whole. At some point early on, I stopped reading and skipped to where we first see Batman. Once I found him in the story, I returned to my original place and finished reading.

I don’t know if that’s built up anticipation or a pacing issue.

Overall, I found this a good read and much fun.


#32

“DRIV”

Congratulations to all that participate in The Write Off. Step one of being a professional is to finish.

Below is the “key” I use when writing reviews;

(+) = I like it.

(-) = Not a fan.

(?) = I don’t understand.

Down to business.

(+) Writing was descriptive and fairly easy to follow.

(+) This story really “went for it” and presented many character elements in a different way across the board. It reminds me of the old While E. Coyote cartoons where he and the sheepdog clock in and out of work. On the job, they are enemies. Off the job, they are cordial coworkers.

All in all, an unpredictably fun read.


#33

“FEAR HIMSELF”

Congratulations to all that participate in The Write Off. Step one of being a professional is to finish.

Below is the “key” I use when writing reviews;

(+) = I like it.

(-) = Not a fan.

(?) = I don’t understand.

Go time.

(+) I have no issues with the writing.

(+)(-) I found this story to have a unique style of humor. Either you get it or you don’t. However, I could understand someone taking this as a dramatic piece as a whole…I know I toggled back and forth.

As has been mentioned earlier, you killed the Write Off requirements and still were able to produce a distinctive take. Very good.

*Truth be told, I could have easily voted for this had I understood comedy wasn’t a must for this particular topic.

Thanks for thinking outside the box.


#34

See, Batman taking his time to show up worked for me, as it emphasized how disappointing he is once he does. Disappointing, I should say, to the fuzz. Except for changing some of his slang, I like the idea.


#35

True, I did like the idea of Batman being a “Spicoli” type. After I discovered the character, I was ready to see him interact with the others.


#36

“FEAR HIMSELF”

One thing I found particularly entertaining was how frustrated the RING was getting. At times, it seem to almost fuss at him.


#37

Anyone else think having an agreed upon (standard/professional) writing format is a good idea? If we wanna work in the industry, we gotta know this stuff. We know the “basics”. Let’s attempt to define vernacular and such.


#38

I think the kind you will generally see whenever the professionals give you a look at their scripts is probably to be considered the standard. It’s clean, easy to read.


#39

I agree. Question is, when/how do you bend or break some of the standard to get attention. I’m of the mind…“entertaining as hell” or “easy to read” (mostly white on the page, reads like a coloring book). The “Gatekeepers” are looking for a reason to throw your stuff in the “circular file”.

First and foremost, I write for me. Still, if there are things that give me away as an amateur, I’d like to fix it. The only thing I want a reader to be concerned with is how good the story is.


#40

Thank you very much for the feedback. I approached this as a series of gags, rather than a “story” per se, but I see the point. Having only 11 pages is tough for me to get a whole arc in. I think it’s got to do with trying to figure out how many panels should go on a page, which is something i continually have to work hard at figuring out.

This was basically done in one sitting once I got the start visualised and laid out and would probably benefit from a rewrite. I came up with the title after the story was complete and immediately wanted to redo the whole thing as a Big Lebowski homage with Batman as The Dude, robin as Donny and I dunno, Superman as Walter maybe? It seems like a good concept but ain’t nobody got time for that.

“Amazeballs” is something some of my wife’s coworkers would say a lot and it drove her crazy because, let’s face it, it’s a ne plus ultra example of hipster doofus slang. I would be fine with a law being passed which allowed people to punch someone in the face whenever they use this term, but that’s probably just a manifestation of how my morning has gone so far.

I’m off to read and give some feedback. Hopefully I will be able to actually get some in before the demands of work kick back in