This is a very good script. It is believable, realistic. Great character moments, dialogue…but I feel like it falls apart structurally.
I love the scene between MJ and uncle Ben. All the webbing laying about, and nobody says anything. Just this unspoken thing between them… really resonated with me. It’s a good scene. It reminds me that sometimes less is more. A lesson I sorely need…
I feel more than just a little hypocritical pointing this out, because I did it in my script as well… Your story-telling device is MJ’s diary. It’s from her point of view, she’s narrating the thing, but the entries stop after page two, and pick up again at page eight. It seems inconsistent to me. When I dropped my narration, it was because I had kind of an action-y middle part. It seems right to do so, at the time. Who’s got time for it? Not me! We’re doing stuff! But I think it hurts the work. Honestly. It seems uneven. If I could do one more pass on my own script, I would focus on that part before submitting it.
Something about the diary being both a literary device, AND the impetus for the lab accident bothers me. I can’t even explain why, other than, it just doesn’t feel right. And it’s not that you’ve tweaked the origin. That part doesn’t bother me…It’s just kind of heavy-handed. Perfectly rational, perfectly aligned with the characters and how they’d behave in those circumstances…and yet, it took me out of the story. I will think on it some more on the off chance I didn't explain it well enough...and you'd rightfully want something more concise than "it didn't feel right." Only my opinion. Others will probably disagree with me etc etc.
Nit-picky stuff: Page two. The lipstick thing. I get what you’re going for. It’s funny, and it’s clever, but I’m left wondering if it translates well to comics. On a TV or movie screen, this would work 100%, but on the printed page, it probably just looks jumbled, unreadable. Big letters on S,T,D, and small lower case on the U? OR spread it out over a few panels and have her wipe off the U with her finger or Kleenex or something? Again, inspired bit, but it’s undercut by the limitations of the medium.
Thanks, Jason AKA Hazardpay.