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Two Page Short Comic


#1

Hey all,

First time posting. Was hoping for some feedback on this two page short, written by me and drawn and lettered by David Bishop. Some of the dialogue could use some work and I’m not 100% sold on the pacing. Would love to hear some of your thoughts.

Thanks!



#2

I liked that!

A good story with no fat on it.

Great job!


#3

Thanks Todd! Appreciate you taking the time to read it!


#4

I liked it. I agree about the pacing though. Still, totally enjoyed reading it.


#5

Thanks! What were your thoughts on the pacing? I seem to think that page 2 has too many panels, slowing it down.


#6

I think you could have combined panels 2 and 3 on the 2nd page to make it tighter.

I also think the reveal could have been delayed to the second page, with a little more exposition about the boss (hearsay, rumours, how vicious the boss is, the boss has a predilection for snapping necks) just to build this myth about the boss.

Again, this is just my opinion so it’s only worth what you decide. :smile:


#7

Great, thanks for the feedback. Only way that I will improve. Appreciate it!


#8

I really like it, and I didn’t see the twist coming (“twist”, get it? oh, never mind :wink: ). It’s hard to pull off a surprise in such a short story, but you fit in all the set up you need to make it work.

If I had to change the pacing, I would cut out panel 4 on page 2. The dialogue isn’t necessary – the character has no need to explain why she thinks it’s the mole, it should be obvious (to her team as well as to the reader) because you do such a good job of showing it on page 1. Panel 5 is the crucial dialogue, panel 4 doesn’t add anything.


#9

Completely agree with you there. Brevity is best. I have issues with over writing things, and feedback like this improves it. Thank you for taking the time and for the kind words (and pun!)


#10

To be honest I don’t agree that there is a problem with the pacing, benjum. Page one sets everything up very neatly and, despite the less is more theory, the fact that there are four panels questioning the situation gives just the right amount of time for the reader to work out the twist just as it’s revealed. But I think the problem yourself and other people are seeing lies in the execution of panel four itself, because your writing gut is telling you it should be there, but it’s clear you didn’t really know what to do with it.

I suggest re-working that panel as a tight close up of Ms. Wonderment’s face and instead a more sociopathic look and the dialogue “You Hesitated”.

This will function as both a more attractive panel with clearer storytelling - that is also visually distinctive from panels 1-3 - but also give an insight into the character herself, as a someone smart enough to fool everyone into thinking she’s a superhero but unstable enough to tell someone their fatal mistake as they fall to the ground after having their neck snapped (by her).

Edit: Oh, it is also a reversal of the tight close up of Ms. Wonderment on the previous page where she is helpless which will make a very nice mirrored call back.


#11

Thanks for the feedback.

Think you nailed it with Panel Four. Your edit makes a lot of sense and does have that nice parallel. Thanks again!