millarworld.tv Comics Creators

The Write Off 8 Scripts


#1

Here we go. There won’t be voting this round, as there are three scripts out of the two topics launched (Millar’s DC/Marvel and Alternate Last Jedi), and two of them were mine. Big thanks to @rebgardner for participating! Feel free to read and/or offer comments.


#2

TITLE: “The Last Jedi – When Your Work is Done”
WRITER: Becca Lee Gardner (rebgardner)

Page One

1/ Open on General Leia Organa on the bridge of the Home One, the flagship of the Resistance in STAR WARS: THE LAST JEDI. Her expression is calm, her face turned away from the viewport behind her. The viewport shows the pending explosion-shots fired from the TIE fighters at the bridge. The crew and officers around her are frantic.

2/ The explosion engulfs Leia and the bridge. Leia’s eyes are closed. Her demeanor once again a strangely calm in the midst of her understandably distressed comrades.

3/ A close up of Leia opening her eyes. A younger Leia. A Leia in her prime.

4/ A close up on Leia’s mouth. That signature crooked-smile on her lips.

LEIA: I knew it.

5/ A look at young Leia standing on Alderaan with the sprawling green hills and beautiful white architecture. She has her face to the bright sky and her arms outstretched wide–breathing it in. Relishing it.

LEIA: Heaven could only look just like Alderaan.

Page Two

1/ Cut to Anakin standing beside Leia in the Alderaan landscape. Anakin is also in his prime and wearing Jedi robes. Leia is so engrossed in the Alderaan beauty all around her that she is oblivious to Anakin’s presence.

ANAKIN: The green.

2/ Leia notices Anakin. Fear is her first reaction.

ANAKIN: Vibrant and wild. Just like her.

3/ Anakin looks at his daughter with a smile on his face.

ANAKIN: And you.

LEIA: I really am dead, aren’t I?

4/ Anakin beckons Leia to follow a pathway beside them.

ANAKIN: If you were, she’d be here with you.

LEIA: I’m not dead?

ANAKIN: Not yet. Come.

5/ Leia follows Anakin on the pathway. The lush green of Alderaan transitions to the sandy, desolate landscape of Tatooine.

LEIA: This is your heaven?

ANAKIN: No. It is my hell.

Page Three

1/ Leia and Anakin face each other. They are in the full desert landscape now. Leia is in Jedi robes similar to Anakin’s. She’s looking down at the change in clothes with wonder.

LEIA: What’s all this?

ANAKIN: You have the same power as Luke. The same potential. But none of his training.

2/ Cut to Leia holding a lightsaber poised in her hands. She has a smile on her face.

LEIA: Luke was never great at sharing his.

3/ Cut to Anakin with his hand on Leia’s shoulders. Her lightsaber is still ignited, but held low in her other hand.

ANAKIN: You are already a fighter, Leia.

ANAKIN: This is not what I came to teach you.

LEIA: Why DID you come?

4/ Anakin has his fingers on the temples of Leia’s forehead. Anakin’s eyes are closed. The desert wind of Tatooine blows his hair across his face.

ANAKIN: To see. Through the Force.

5/ Old Leia’s eyes open as she’s drifting in open space. The blown apart ship, Home One, is a hundred feet away. But unlike the scene in the movie, there are bright lines spilling out from Leia and connecting her to the people around her. Connecting her to the dead bodies. Connecting her to Kylo Ren’s retreating TIE fighter. But most of the strands lead toward Home One and the Resistance fighters. Among these lines leading back to Home One there is one line that is brighter, thicker, and brighter than all others.

ANAKIN (off panel): See the connections. See YOUR connections.

Page Four

1/ Cut to that brightest, thickest line leading right to Poe Dameron who is staring out a viewport from within Home One–staring in horror at the destroyed bridge.

ANAKIN (off panel): See those who need you most.

2/ Leia touches the strongest, brightest, thickest thread coming out of her.

ANAKIN (off panel): Go, my daughter.

3/ That brightest, strongest, thickest thread is attached to the palm of Leia’s palm, pulling her through space and back toward the destroyed bridge of Home One.

ANAKIN (off panel): We’ll greet you again …

4/ A look over Poe Dameron’s shoulder to what he’s seeing: Leia flying toward him as though pulled by a rope he can’t see.

ANAKIN (off panel): … When your work is done.

5/ A look at Leia’s hand meeting the viewport that separates her from Poe Dameron. Light explodes beneath her touch. Behind the glass and almost hopeful smile finds Poe’s face.

THE END


#3

TITLE: “The Last Jedi - …Is a Rose”
WRITER : Tony Laplume (YoungDuke)

PAGE ONE

Panel 1
Rose Tico is in the escape pod bay of the Raddus, much as we first see her in The Last Jedi. We are looking at her from a distance, but we’re closed to her and seeing what she’s looking at, a figure we can’t quite make out.

ROSE: What are you doing?

Panel 2
Rose is walking toward the figure, cautiously. She’s obviously feeling increasingly uncomfortable about the situation. We still can’t tell who the other person is.

ROSE: Are you trying to…?

Panel 3
Rose has gotten closer, but the figure is still difficult to see, as it has started entering an escape pod, so all we see is their back. We see Rose’s taser in her hand for the first time. She’s pulling it out.

ROSE: After all we’ve been through? At a time like this?

Panel 4
Rose is holding her taser to the figure’s back with one hand and grabbing a shoulder with the other.

ROSE: I didn’t expect this from you, of all people.

Panel 5
Rose has turned the figure around with the hand that was on the shoulder. The taser remains pointed at the figure. It turns out to be her sister.

ROSE: …Paige.

PAGE TWO

Panel 1
Our first clear look at Paige reveals that she’s in her full bomber gear. She looks seriously freaked out. Rose looks angry, but while one hand is still on Paige’s shoulder, the other with the taser has dropped down.

Panel 2
Much the same as the preceding panel, only this time Rose looks heartbroken. Her dialogue bubble indicates that she speaks these words in a quiet voice.

ROSE: How could you?

Panel 3
Paige has turned away, not back toward the escape pod, just away from her sister.

Panel 4
Paige has collapsed to the ground. Rose remains standing, but her expression has changed again. She now looks bewildered.

Panel 5
The same picture as the previous panel, only Rose has changed her expression again. She has a blank expression on her face.

Panel 6
The same as the previous panel.

PAIGE: I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do it, Rose. I can’t.

Panel 7
Same as the previous panel, except again, Rose’s expression has changed. She looks angry again.

Panel 8
Same as the previous panel, except Rose has lifted the taser again.

Panel 9
Same as the previous panel, except Rose has put the taser away again, this time completely out of sight. She has also taken her hand off Paige’s shoulder.

ROSE: Get up.

PAGE THREE

Panel 1
One last look at the image we’ve been looking at. Since we’re not in a nine panel grid this page, the image is bigger, and you can see tears at the edges of Rose’s eyes. She doesn’t hate her sister for what’s happening.

Panel 2
Rose joins her sister on the floor of the bay.

Panel 3
Rose is placing an arm around Paige. They’ve both got neutral expressions on their faces.

ROSE: It’s okay.

ROSE: We can talk about it.

Panel 4
We’re in the same image.

PAIGE: Okay.

PAGE FOUR

Panel 1
Hope you don’t mind if I say “same image.”

PAIGE: Sometimes it seems…hopeless.

PAIGE: It’s hard, Rose. It’s hard doing this.

Panel 2
Same image.

ROSE: Paige, I get it. But now is not the time.

ROSE: Especially now! Of all times!

Panel 3
Same image.

PAIGE: I know! Okay? I know!

PAIGE: We’re about to evacuate! I know how crucial my role is! I know how desperate things are! Okay? I know!

Panel 4
Same image.

PAGE FIVE

Panel 1
Paige is getting up. Her expression remains inscrutable, despite the high emotions she’s feeling. Rose remains on the floor of the bay, seated, looking defeated. We see her reaching for the medallion they each have half of, hanging around her neck. Once again she’s speaking in a soft voice.

ROSE: After everything we’ve experienced…

PAIGE: You don’t have to remind me about what our parents sacrificed.

Panel 2
Now it’s Paige’s turn to reach for her medallion, but otherwise, they’re in the same positions, except of course Paige is now standing all the way up.

PAIGE: We’ve all sacrificed something.

PAIGE: That’s the nature of this thing.

Panel 3
Paige is walking away from Rose, away from the escape pods. Rose remains on the floor of the bay.

Panel 4
Now we have a mirror of the first panel in this story, after a sort. We’re closest to Paige as she continues to walk away, and Rose can’t really be distinguished. If we didn’t know who we were looking at, we wouldn’t know who she is. Paige has a new look of determination on her face.

PAGE SIX

Panel 1
We no longer see Paige, but we still see Rose on the floor of the bay.

Panel 2
Much the same as the previous panel, except Rose has collapsed backward.

Panel 3
She sits up again.

Panel 4
She begins to stand up.

Panel 5
She walks away from the escape pods. Like her sister at the end of the previous page, Rose has a new look of determination on her face.

PAGE SEVEN

Panel 1 (splash)
Now we see the familiar scene from The Last Jedi, where Rose comes across Finn, the beginning of it, anyway. It’s much the same as the very first panel of the story, again, except this time we definitely know we’re looking at Finn. But we’re also looking at Rose directly, and we see pain in her face, because now we know she’s thinking about her sister in this moment.

CAPTION: Later.

CAPTION: Later, when I learned what had happened to my sister, I wondered if I should hate myself.

CAPTION: The last time I spoke with her, I had hated her. And she had known it.

CAPTION: I had allowed myself to forget. I had forgotten everything that was important to me.

CAPTION: And I would struggle, for the rest of my life, to make things right.

CAPTION: And in that way, I learned all over again what this Resistance was all about. It was a painful lesson.

CAPTION: But I guess pain is something I have to live with. It’s the only way to grow.

END


#4

TITLE: “Red Son - The Greenhouse Effect”
WRITER : Tony Laplume (YoungDuke)

PAGE ONE

Panel 1
A glowing green figure in orbit of Earth. He floats there with his arms crossed with a look of disdain on his face. This is Sinestro.

CAPTION: This was the day a superman died.

Panel 2
Sinestro streaks away from Earth.

Panel 3
Sinestro continues flying through space.

CAPTION: My colleague, the bravest and best Green Lantern I will ever know, Abin Sur, died in ignominy, on a backwater world populated by savages.

Panel 4
Sinestro arrives in orbit of Oa. He pauses for a moment. The look on his face is one of awe.

CAPTION: His corpse was desecrated. His ring stolen.

CAPTION: He didn’t even have the chance to pass along his legacy.

CAPTION: Not that there would have been anyone worthy on that world.

PAGE TWO

Panel 1
Sinestro stands among the Guardians of the Universe. Also among them are also Green Lanterns Salaak, Kilowog, and Tomar-Re. While three Guardians will be speaking, there are many more present besides.

GUARDIAN 1: Calm yourself, Lantern Sinestro.

GUARDIAN 2: This matter has already been addressed.

GUARDIAN 3: A suitable replacement for your fellow Corpsman has already been located.

Panel 2
Sinestro is becoming angry. This is a close-up of him.

SINESTRO: But the situation is already spiraling out of control. The humans have seized the ring! They’re preventing it from finding a new bearer!

Panel 3
A close-up of two Guardians.

GUARDIAN 1: The situation is worse than you know, but as with all things, not insurmountable.

GUARDIAN 2: There is an alien on that planet who is causing massive waves of instability, a survivor of Krypton.

Panel 4
A close-up of Tomar-Re, Green Lantern of the space sector that included Krypton.

TOMAR-RE: The Kryptonian is out of my jurisdiction now, but rest assured, Sinestro, things have not spiraled out of control.

Panel 5
Sinestro is confronting Tomar-Re, pointing an accusatory finger at him. Kilowog and Salaak have moved to intercept if necessary.

SINESTRO: None of this would have happened if you hadn’t…!

KILOWOG: Watch it, poozer.

SALAAK: There is plenty of room for blame, if we wanted to degenerate matters further, Thaal.

Panel 6
A Guardian wades among them, creating some separation.

PAGE THREE

Panel 1
Now it’s just Sinestro and the Guardian.

GUARDIAN: Lantern Sinestro, if it will assuage your doubts, I will attempt to explain further.

Panel 2
Close-up on the Guardian.

GUARDIAN: There are two leading factions on Earth. One of them is the United States. The other is the Soviet Union.

Panel 3
Pull back so we see Sinestro in the shot again. He’s looking skeptical. On Korugar there would be no such problems.

GUARDIAN: The Kryptonian has sided with the Soviets.

Panel 4
Tomar-Re has approached Sinestro again. The Guardian watches with amusement.

TOMAR-RE: We can’t recover Abin Sur’s ring, but arrangements have been made to…replace it.

Panel 5
Sinestro and Tomar-Re alone. Sinestro looks doubtful.

SINESTRO: What are you saying?

TOMAR-RE: If it were up to you, we would break protocol and send you. The Guardians are well aware of your proclivities. That is not going to happen.

Panel 6
Returning to the Guardian who was speaking previously.

GUARDIAN: We considered many options, Lantern Sinestro.

GUARDIAN: We thought perhaps granting a new ring to an inhabitant of another planet in the sector. Ungara, for instance, Abin Sur’s homeworld. It would only have been right.

GUARDIAN: Instead, we have chosen another human.

PAGE FOUR

Panel 1
Sinestro is floating in front of a house in the suburbs of Detroit. The mailbox, which is legible, reads STEWART.

Panel 2
Sinestro has entered the house. We see John Stewart from behind, inside an office, which is strewn with various blueprints he’s clearly been working on.

JOHN STEWART: The one thing they never tell you is that they’ll never leave you alone.

Panel 3
John has turned around and we see that he is holding the ring he’s been given, in the palm of his hand. He looks calm.

JOHN STEWART: Luthor tried to recruit me, too.

JOHN STEWART: But I’ve been called a marine before, and I didn’t care for the title then, either.

JOHN STEWART: Not my style.

Panel 4
John gestures toward the blueprints.

JOHN STEWART: I’m an architect by inclination.

JOHN STEWART: It always fascinated me, how intricate designs come together.

Panel 5
John looks down at his closed fist, the one with the ring in it.

JOHN STEWART : I wanted to know what it was like to be a part of putting them together.

Panel 6
John tosses the ring at Sinestro.

JOHN STEWART: But not like this.

PAGE FIVE

Panel 1
Sinestro catches the ring with a construct. Not a hand, which is what Hal Jordan would do, but a box.

SINESTRO: You don’t say “no” to the Guardians of the Universe.

Panel 2
John is sitting down at his desk, his back once again to Sinestro.

JOHN STEWART: Looks like I just did.

Panel 3
Sinestro is calmly placing the box on John’s desk.

SINESTRO: I am not a Guardian.

Panel 4
A close-up of the box.

SINESTRO (off-panel): I disagreed with their decision to recruit you.

Panel 5
John is looking at the box.

JOHN STEWART: Forgive me for thinking otherwise. They don’t usually send goons to accept rejections from outfits like yours.

Panel 6
Close-up of Sinestro. His expression has soured.

PAGE SIX

Panel 1
The close-up of Sinestro again. He has recovered his mood, back to his usual arrogance.

SINESTRO: I am not a “goon.”

Panel 2
John is forcefully handing the box back to Sinestro.

JOHN STEWART: Be that as it may, “take this job and shove it.”

JOHN STEWART: I don’t really care who you are. I already rejected Lex Luthor, pal.

Panel 3
Close-up of Sinestro holding the box, which is desolving so we can see the ring again. Sinestro’s expression has once again soured.

Panel 4
The same shot, only the ring is fully visible again now; the box is gone. Sinestro has once again recovered himself, his face once more shining with arrogance.

SINESTRO: I’m afraid you misunderstand the situation.

Panel 5
Sinestro is tossing the ring back at John, who is visibly annoyed as he begins to stand up again, turning around as he does.

SINESTRO: You don’t have a choice, “pal.”

Panel 6
John is catching the ring.

PAGE SEVEN

Panel 1
John is startled to find he is now sporting the same Green Lantern uniform as Sinestro. This is the biggest panel of the page.

Panel 2
Close-up of Sinestro, looking positively smug.

SINESTRO: It’s a common misconception, as you’ll discover, that a ringbearer has to actually being wearing the ring to use it.

SINESTRO: And that it can only be used by its intended recipient.

Panel 3
In this close-up, Sinestro is feigning modesty as he looks toward his ring.

SINESTRO: In fact, another ringbearer can operate it, too, with enough willpower.

SINESTRO: Willpower is the guiding principle of our power, John Stewart. I sense you have great reserves of it.

SINESTRO: I have it, too.

Panel 4
Sinestro is looking up again.

SINESTRO: When the Guardians send you a ring, you’re recruited.

SINESTRO: End of discussion.

PAGE EIGHT

Panel 1
John and Sinestro are flying through space.

JOHN STEWART: This is bullshit.

Panel 2
They continue flying through space.

SINESTRO: Be that as it may, it is your life now. You have responsibilities.

Panel 3
Close-up of Sinestro, looking mournful for this brief moment.

SINESTRO: A legacy to live up to.

SINESTRO: If you can.

Panel 4
Back to watching them both fly.

SINESTRO: You’re going to need training. Extensive training, no doubt.

Panel 5
They continue flying.

SINESTRO: And when you get back, you are going to be the Corps’ eyes and ears. You will see how things develop, in addition to your other responsibilities throughout your sector.

Panel 6
They’re a small speck in the great expanse of the cosmos, now.

SINESTRO: Your world doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Regardless of what else is happening on your world, Green Lantern will still mean what that ring has always meant.

SINESTRO: And remember. I will be watching.

END

EDIT: @Hazardpay made me realize I’d goofed on Sinestro’s home planet. So it no longer reads “Thanagar.”


#5

An interesting twist! Good job.


#6

I like what you did, too. :slightly_smiling_face:


#7

Good stuff. Know that I am reading, re-reading, and taking notes. I will start posting next week. Tuesday, most likely.


#8

Thanks.


#9

YD,

I hadn’t read the Red son story. I read the plot on the RS wiki entry so I wasn’t completely lost.

Right off the bat, I like how you used the “Today a Super man died.” line. It doesnt feel like a pastiche or a homage…it’s recontextualized for Abin Sur, and it just works beautifully. Perfectly sums up Sinistero’s feelings and motivation.

The dialouge/voice over is fantastic. "Abin Sur, died in ignominy, on a backwater world populated by savages."You can feel the impotent rage on display in Sinestro’s captions. Better still, you agree with it. You waste no time getting us to sympathize with this mustachioed, purple-skinned, space dick. No small feat, that. :grin:

Page 5. Panel 1. I like the commentary in this section (plus Page 3 panel 3.) Sometimes comic scripts read just like stage directions. There’s no wit, charm or personality. We see a bit of your thinking, beyond panel descriptions.
’“This would have never happened on Thanagar.” Could have been relegated to a thought balloon, but I can see why you didnt. It would stop everything dead. Nestled amongst the directions, it gives a personal touch to the script. Standing out from the crowd is good. Very good. Double plus good.

This is really firing on all cylinders. Fast paced. Melodramatic. It feels like a perfect act one. I would love to see acts two and three.

Thanks, Jason.

Post script: since you changed Thangar…I now feel like that would work better as a thought balloon vs. In the description of the scene. Just my two cents.


#10

Hey, thanks for the kind words. My original vision of the story had John interacting with Lex Luthor. Theoretically that would happen later, and John and Hal. And probably John and Sinestro again, the irony of what Sinestro has done on his own world.


#11

Rebecca,

“When your work is done” gives us something we’ve been denied over the years: A post-Empire scene between Vader and Leia. I cant tell you how satisfying that is…I suspect Leia will meet force ghost Obi wan or Vader in episode 9. You provide a mentor for her, and some redemption for Anakin in one fell swoop.Thematically, in light of everything that has come before, this is amazing! Great job!

The transition from panel 2 into panel 3 (page 1) was very smooth. I was never lost or confused. Maybe that seems like a no-brainer, but you did it without using a caption, or a voice over narration, etc etcThe whole piece flows really well.

Is this your heaven/this is my hell line was inspired. Really liked that exchange.

I think the only quibble I have is at the end. You show glowing webs connecting Leia and Poe. It’s such a literal translation of Obi-wan’s " it’s an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us; it binds the galaxy together.” The phrase “too on the nose” comes to mind.

I don’t know how to feel about it, exactly. The fact that poe can’t see it, leads me to believe it’s merely a Jedi’s perception of the force in action. I guess it’s like midi-chlorians or something…Just a new spin on the force that will take some getting use to.

Like, why is the brightest, thickest line connected to poe? Something about the urgency? These lines guide/propel her, right? Jedi guidence system? I hope I’m understanding this correctly.

This is truly masterfully done. Good dialogue, good pacing, characters and their actions felt true. It was a gambit introducing a new idea on the last page…and it’s a visually arresting one…but it just sits weird with me. And that’s more me, than you.

Thanks for submitting. I really enjoyed this story.

Thanks, Jason


#12

Tony,

Feel free to say no, but, since there’s no contest…and this is kind of just for fun…can I submit something in the next 24 hours?

I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before, but, I cut and pasted the preffered format, and typed the scenes/dialouge on my phone’s notebook feature. I had most of that sussed out in my notebook. I mostly struggeled with a logic problem of sorts…

Uh. It’s only eight pages. Millar preferred format, not the hot garbage foramat I’ve been using. No more camera angles, No more lengthy descriptions. More killer, less filler.

Up to you. I will abide by your decision.
Thanks, Jason.


#13

You totally can. If you want, just post it yourself here.


#14

X-23: unfinished business by Hazardpay

Page One
*first three panels occupy 1/2 the page. Three panels acting as a triptych.
1/ Candain woods on a snowy night. X-23 wearing a modified version of the classic brown Wolverine costume.( No bare arms, more senisble boots. )She is running left to right.

CAP1: At some point in history, my dad killed the X-men. I know why he did it. I’m not in any position to judge him for it.

2/x-23 moving through the trees. We see an exposed arm from behind a tree trunk.

CAP2: At some point, the Hulk became evil. He wasn’t a great guy to begin with, so, maybe that was inevitable.

3/X-23 emerging from the trees. Left to right.

CAP3: At some point, the Hulk and the She-Hulk sired an army of imbred monsters. I have no idea why it happened…

4/X-23 coming straight towards the ‘camera’. Blades drawn. Hungry for blood.

CAP4: …But I’m going to find out. Her? Her I’m going to judge.

Page two
1/ exterior of a small cabin. Night. Trees in the background. Snow piled on the roof. A single light is on in the kitchen window.

2/ inside the kitchen. Night. older JENNIFER WALTERS standing over the kitchen sink, washing dishes. Gone are the chic, up to the minute fashions. She wears a gray shawl, dingy off-white shirt under it. sweatpants. Her graying hair is long, but tied up in a knotty, extra long ponytail. Harry potter-like oval glasses.

X-23:(os) Why’d you do it, Jen?

3/ similar, except jen is standing up straight, looking directly at us. Wearing yellow dishwashing gloves, water dripping off them. She looks startled but NOT afraid.

X-23: Tell me why.

4/ X-23 stands ready to fight. Claws out.

X-23: Don’t make me hurt you.

5/Jennifer pulling a wooden chair away from the table. She looks resigned to her fate. Not angry or afraid.

Jennifer: There’s no reason to make threats. I’ll tell you everything.

Page three
1/ Jennifer’s face in profile, facing left. Eyes wet with tears. Lower lip trembling.
*1st panel is the largest. Next three panels acting as memory fragments ‘inside’ her head.

Jen1: It all started when the Hulk got bored with fighting.
Jen2: He was just smart enough to tinker with Bruce’s portable Gamma gun.
Jen3: That was the beginning of the end.

2/three seperate versions of the Hulk, posed together but not interacting. From L to R: A Hulk with massive goat horns growing out of his head. A Hulk with leathery batwings. And finally, Hulk as a centaur. All three have huge grins on their faces.

Cap1: He started experimenting on himself.
Each transformation was more grotesque than the last.
Cap2: And when he was done with that…

3/jennifer being shot with a green lazer beam. Body spasming in pain.

Cap3…He turned the gun on me.

4/jennifer transforming into the grey She-Hulk.

Cap4: I never sympathized with Bruce’s lost time, until it happened to me. I was completely submerged in her mind for months at a time.

Cap2: Nine months, to be exact.

Page four

1/Jennifer sitting at the kitchen table. Head down. Covering her eyes with her hands, Unable to look X in the eye.

X (OS) And she is…?
Jen1: The gray She-Hulk. I came to about a month after she birthed our first child. I ran like hell…only to get zapped again.

2/side profile of X’s face. She is unfazed by the story.

X: that all of it?
Jen: (os) yes. That’s how it happened. I was trapped in a sadistic, phyco-sexual relationship with a monster. A literal monster.

X: I dont buy it.

3/ Jen sits, her fists clenched Her expression is disbelif/anger.

X (os) It’s two different bodies, one soul. Even when he was the gray Hulk, Bruce was in there, fighting for control.

4 /X stands defensively, claws out.

X: you gained control over the She-Hulk persona long before Bruce did. You figured out how to change at will. It took him a decade to catch up to you. And now? Now you can’t control that gray bitch?

Jen: I couldn’t…!
X: couldn’t or wouldn’t ?

5/Jennifer stands abruptly, teeth clenched. Eyes closed. She is about to turn.

X: (os) How could you do it, Jen? You were a member of the Fantastic four AND the Avengers! You were the first heroine to surpass her male predacessor! You go from that to baby-making machine? How sad! How pathetic!

Jen: KILL YOU!

Page five

1/x-23 rears back, fists clenched, blades out. Seconds from striking her opponent.

Cap1: This next part? It will be debated for the next twenty years, easy.

2/X stabs Jennifer in the chest with her claws. She is midway through transforming, so there are patches of pink human skin and patches of gray Hulk skin.

Cap 2: How many people have tried to kill the Hulk mid-transformation and failed? Enough to make it seem impossibe.

Cap3: But it’s not impossible. And you don’t have to have super-speed powers to do it, either.

3/ECU Jennifer’s eye. Wide open in surprise.

Cap4: Just observe their body language. Wait for the eye-twitch, the involuntarily mouth movements. Wait, and then strike true.

Cap5: that’s all there is to it, really.

Page six
1/overhead shot Gray She-Hulk leaping, breaking through the cabin roof. Fists breaking the panel border, mouth open in a hellacious scream. torso covered in green blood.

Cap1: I could see the wound closing after the transformation was complete. But it don’t matter. I nicked a major artery in the She-Hulk’s gigantic sow heart…

2/x-23 walking out the cabin’s front door, holding a shovel.

Cap2: …and completely obliterated Jennifer’s human heart.

Page seven
1/ X-23 walking throgh the woods, head down, following a green blood trail.

X-23: you won’t get far.

2/Close-up of a thin dribble of green blood streaked horizontally across the snow.

X-23 (os) The trail is getting fainter.

3/close-up of X’s face. A look of disgust, like she can smell decomposition already. Eyes narrowed, nose and mouth scrunched together.

Page eight

1/ Gray She-Hulk sitting in the snow. Upper torso propped up against a tree for support. Eyes closed. Snow is soaked in green blood.

Cap1: paydirt.

2/x-23 clutching a shovel, looking dismayed at the task ahead.

Cap2 :No eulogy. No marker. Just a very deep hole.

3/ POV looking down into the hole. Jennifer Walters dead body laying on her back. Hair encrusted with dirt and snow. Glases missing, shawl, shirt in tatters. Same chest wound She-Hulk had.

Cap3:You doomed us all because you were weak, Jen.

Cap4: The weakest one there is.
END.

Edit: I’m having second thoughts. Is this misogynistic shit?


#15

“This is indeed a disturbing universe .”

I really loved 'Old man Logan". It was a very wild, loosely structured story. Lot of side quests, things thrown in just because they were cool, etc etc. However, the end really rattled me. You all know what I mean. “She’s the only one who can take the pace.”

It’s a no-win situation. If Jen was a willing partner, she’s an accomplice. If she was raped, that’s misogynistic (And gross.) Jennifer deserves better than that. I tried a third option that… basically…splits those two options down the middle. :anguished: Gray she-hulk was the willing partner , and Jennifer Walters was the unwilling victim.

But this is still a revenge story. People need to be held accountable for their actions…the genre demands someone pay the piper.

So. The one thing I thought I could live with, is that Jennifer simply did not fight hard enough. She has our sympathy, BUT she has had total control over the She-Hulk in the past. Why is it different now?

Yes, these are impossible circumstances. Madman with a gamma gun that wants to inseminate you…but why didn’t you fight through the fog and regain the upper hand?
How many times has she been hypnotized/mind controlled/or been the victim of the puppet master’s clay? She-Hulk has a mental fortitude of 11. Shaking off an mental invaders should be old hat by now.

I failed to show her mental state at the time. Her spirit was broken. The guilt/shame was too great. I could blame spacial constraints, but let’s be honest, I’m not a great writer. I think a fourth or fifth draft is needed.

Anyway, I’m very sorry to anyone who really loves the She-Hulk. I like her, and I tried to think my way out of the circumstances created by mr. Millar.

I really did not set out to write a disgusting POS torture porn starring the She-Hulk. It was an accident. I had lofty goals. I wanted to save her from the Old man Logan scenerio.And while I don’t think the piece is lurid or exploitative, it is intellectually indefensible. I saw the problem, but I just didn’t come up with the right solution. TBH, I suspect it doesn’t exsist.

Thanks for reading, Jason AkA Hazardpay.


#16

Awesome. Thanks for giving us some writer insights!


#17

Thank you for your thoughts, Jason! I really appreciate it.


#18

Sometimes a story “TELLS YOU” where it wants to go, nothing wrong with surrendering to the process.


#19

Here is the breakdown I use for my critiques.

(+)= I like it.
(-)= Not a fan.
(?)= I don’t understand.

“THE LAST JEDI - When Your Work is Done”

(+) = Writing is clean and easy to follow.

(+) = You show a much neglected pairing of Leia and Anakin.

(-) = IMHO, could there have been a hug or some embrace? That bothered me with Chewbacca in TFA.

(+) = Simple and effective way of addressing Leia’s lack of training…or lack of US SEEING her training. I think of this as her father giving her the “crib sheet” help/guidance she desperately needed. It “shed light on”, is a fix for, what was viewed as an awkward scene in the film.

All-in-all, good stuff. Thank you for the read.


#20

Here is the breakdown I use for my critiques.

(+)= I like it.
(-)= Not a fan.
(?)= I don’t understand.

“THE LAST JEDI…Is a Rose”

(+) = I think of this as an explanation/examination of Rose emotional state. Very telling.

(+)(-) = Scene would fit seamlessly into the existing film. But, would it slow the pacing? Once again, we are “filling the gaps” in Mr. Johnson’s script/movie.

I found this piece very compatible with my sensibilities concerning this film. Thank you for the read.