This year I’ve taken a challenge for myself to write a short script each week in order to improve my writing skills. Here’s week 3 - “The Sweet Release of Ashish”. All feedback is welcome - thanks for your time and thoughts!
I know certain people prefer reading certain ways, so if you’re not interested in the google doc, here is the script directly.
1.1 - CU on young indian boy, ASHISH, looking utterly excited!
ASHISH - I’m immortal? DOPE!
1.2 - CU of ASHISH holding up a cell phone to DEATH.
ASHISH - Can I call my friend Samar? Cuz he would freak out.
1.3 - A cluttered office space with a color palette of red, black, and grey. One wall is covered in hundreds of thousands of hourglasses, all with labels beneath them. ASHISH is standing in front of DEATH, who is standing next to a blackboard floating in mid-air.
DEATH - If you don’t understand, I could have at least let you be ignorant on earth rather than bring you to my office.
DEATH - Okay.
DEATH - One more time.
1.4 - DEATH gesturing to the wall of hourglasses, ASHISH is looking at them.
DEATH - These are all the lives on earth. Once the sand runs out, I know it’s time for me to take the LIFE of…
1.5 - CU of DEATH squating down, looking at an hourglass that is dropping it’s last grain of sand - reading the label underneath the name. ASHIH is peering at the glass over DEATH’s shoulder.
DEATH - Becky Girsche.
ASHISH - Who’s that?
2.1 - DEATH has his back to the wall and is yelling at ASHISH, annoyed with him. ASHISH is holding his cell phone.
DEATH - Don’t know. Don’t care. I’m just doing my job.
2.2 - DEATH with his eyes closed, face palming himself with one hand - ashamed and embarrassed of this event happening - using his other hand pointing towards an empty spot on the shelf. ASHISH’S name is on the label - “Ashish ‘Ash’ Sood”.
DEATH - Look, I was clearing empty hourglasses and I knocked your glass behind the shelf - it landed on its side. The sand won’t move, so you won’t die until it starts going again.
2.3 - ASHISH gives him a quizzical look.
ASHISH - So why not just reach behind there?
2.4 - DEATH is freaking out at ASHISH.
DEATH - I can’t just go rummaging around the shelf! What if I break an hourglass?
DEATH - I only get 5 “early kills” a year! You know how hard it is too only kill 5 people early in a world with billions of idiots?
2.5 - DEATH is throwing a pouty fit.
DEATH - Plus if I accidentally kill a bunch of people again the boss will put me on probation and the temp will take over for the rest of the year. And he has no sense of adventure, just lets you all die in your sleep. What a killjoy.
3.1 - ASHISH still looking at DEATH, confused.
ASHISH - Sooo….just send me home then.
DEATH - Do you think you’d be here still if I could just do that? You’re only here because I need props to get this through your thick skull!
3.2 - DEATH at the floating blackboard, the floating chalk is about to write.
DEATH - Okay . Three things can happen.
3.3 - DEATH in front of the blackboard explaining to ASHISH. Chalkboard says - Work. Home. Maid.
DEATH - You stay with me, drive me insane, and I tape your mouth shut. No.
DEATH - The boss sends you home, you live forever, lose everyone you love, and wander the earth alone forever. I’m a fan.
DEATH - You pay me back for your HUGE mistake and do all the hourglass cleaning for me in a servant’s attire stitched from the souls of the damned. I’m a fan of somebody cleaning my place. But not you.
3.4 - ASHISH looks excited. DEATH is frustrated again.
ASHISH - I’ll stay here!
DEATH - OH MY GRAVE NO. HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS!?
3.5 - White light appears in the middle of the office. DEATH is bothered and getting pissed, ASHISH is wildly excited and amazed.
ASHISH - Whooaahaha! What is that!?
3.6 - CU on DEATH, angry.
DEATH - (curse word appears as a angry face, explosion, scythe, and skull and crossbones).
4.1 - DEATH and ASHISH in front of a great white throne. DEATH is angry. ASHISH is standing still confused, fiddling with his cell phone.
4.2 - CU on LIFE sitting on a lounge chair, curious at DEATH.
LIFE - What’s up with the kid in your quarters DEATH. He’s still under my domain, you know that right?
4.3 - DEATH explaining, gesturing to ASHISH and trying to reason with LIFE. ASHISH is holding his cell phone up, trying to get reception.
DEATH - LIFE! I was clearing out the Shelf of Souls and bumped ASHISH’s glass behind the shelf, so I appeared on earth to explain the situation to him. He’s such a dolt I had to bring him to my quarters for visual aids!
4.4 - DEATH begging LIFE.
DEATH - I want to fix it i do - but I preliminated 3 people this year already, and I can’t go rummaging around for the glass, kill a bunch of people, and force myself into probation again!
DEATH - Plus there’s freaking Glenn! I don’t want him on termination duty!
4.4 - LIFE rubbing his beard, considering.
LIFE - Glenn does take a long time with the transportation from physical to spiritual plane.
4.5 - DEATH rejoicing, he’s glad that LIFE gets it.
DEATH - THANK YOU!! I keep saying it’s all in the swift trip, but he never listens.
5.1 - DEATH continues ranting. LIFE is sitting and considering something. ASHISH is raising his hand.
DEATH - Honestly, a vacation would be great - but Glenn is NOT going to be the one who-
ASHISH - ahem
5.2 - DEATH and LIFE both look at ASHISH. DEATH is annoyed a little bit, LIFE is leaning forward, interested. ASHISH is speaking.
ASHISH - Yeah. I still don’t really know what’s going on, but if I’m not a part of this - can somebody at least point me towards a payphone or something?
5.3 - LIFE sits back in his chair, pondering something. DEATH has his back to LIFE, looking at ASHISH, still annoyed with him.
LIFE - Hmmm….
LIFE - What about the kid?
5.4 - DEATH and ASHISH both look at LIFE. ASHISH is confused, DEATH is shocked at what LIFE is suggesting - that ASHISH take over DEATH’S responsibilities.
DEATH - WHAT?!
LIFE - You don’t want Glenn to work, you want a vacation, and ASHISH isn’t dying anytime soon. Might as well put him to good use.
LIFE - Ashish?
6.1 - ASHISH looking up from his cell phone in wonder - DEATH looking at ASHISH in shock, hoping this is not happening.
ASHISH - SWEET!
DEATH - No….
6.2 - ASHISH looking at DEATH, looking for clarification. DEATH has face palmed himself again. LIFE is up off his lounge chair, with his hands held open.
ASHISH - Wait so…what’s going on?
DEATH - No…
LIFE - Excellent! So it’s settled. ASHISH! Just a bit of training, some trial runs, and you will become the new DEATH!
6.3 - ASHISH is now dressed in gray robes much too big for him, with black streaks on them - standing with his cell phone in one hand and a scythe in another. Looking blankly happy.
6.4 - ASHISH in the same pose - DEATH is in mid-walk past him, with his hand grabbing the collar of ASHISH’s robes.
SFX (from DEATH) - sigh
DEATH - C’mon…
6.5 - Far view from above - DEATH dragging ASHISH away from LIFE’S lounge chair. LIFE is still sitting in the lounge chair, going back to his routine of relaxation.
DEATH - …Becky’s waiting.
Hey buddy, well done for knocking out your scripts.
You might have luck getting critiques on stuff once you have full comics finished…which I know sucks…trust me…people are a tad reluctant to read scripts, same reason why editors don’t read them from newbies too.
Yeah it’s tough to get a name out there without a solid comic produced. Though I want to at least get critiques from whoever is willing right now so that I’m able to give a paid artist a well-written script. It sucks, but I don’t have money to pay an artist right now - though I’m saving some, as that’s the goal in the long run.
Do you know of anywhere that might have other comic writers looking over and reviewing scripts for critique? I’ve been on reddit/comicwriting mainly, and I thought this was the next appropriate place. But if there’s other areas too I’d love to find them and get the work out there for revisions sake and also just to keep myself accountable to continuing writing consistently.
The biggest piece of feedback I have is give more details in the panel descriptions. You obviously don’t need to write like Alan Moore but it’s hard to get a good grasp on what it is you’re looking for in some of these panels. This is just my preference but I’d say jump back in there, proofread it again, and try add some more information to breathe more life into the descriptions.
(Also, feel free to message if there’s ever any feedback you’re looking for)
That being said, some people prefer descriptions to be as short as possible so I can’t stress enough that this is only one of many, many opinions. However, when you’re not writing for a specific artist, I would definitely lean towards more detailed descriptions because you don’t know who could end up reading it or who you might eventually get to draw it.
I personally write quite long descriptions sometimes and if an artist has an idea that they think will look better, more often than not they won’t hesitate to discuss it with you or just run with their own instincts (usually for the better), so there’s not too many downsides to the long descriptions in my opinion.
Sadly i don’t ️