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MW Annual 2017 - peer feedback


#106

Humbly taking a bow. I thank you for such nice praise. Now for a little more writing and hoping the powers that be share your appraisal.

Good luck on your projects too, my friend.


#107

Thanks for the great feedback, Ray! Glad you laughed at the meathead! This is the second time someone’s mentioned the hot girl as being out of tune with the nature of the series, so that’s a legitimate fault on my part. I tried to offset the “hetero male fantasy” aspect by showing that her boyfriend was every bit as stupid as she was sleazy, but that must not have been enough. I knew I was taking a risk (having her partially topless and all), but perhaps you’re right; I need to get my mind out of the gutter lol! This was one of my biggest concerns when I submitted, and apparently I was right to second guess it.

The other thing I missed out on (which you executed great in your script) is that I don’t show Huck’s ability to locate anything. That’s arguably the most unique gift he has, and it’s completely missing from my story. If I had to do it over again, I would have featured that more prominently. Unfortunately, I found out about this contest eight days before the cutoff, so I had to make some quick decisions! Not that this is an excuse, I just mean that 'll be even more prepared for next time!

Keep at it I will, bud! Thanks again.


#108

I know you and I had some discussions about scripting before in the who submitted thread. You weren’t underselling how densely packed you write your scripts, that’s for sure!

There’s a lot here, and really the story itself is pretty much fixed, since it is a different POV of a scene from the book already. After panel one the reader knows the beginning and the end. So in this case it’s all about how you get from point a to point b.

Now onto a whole bunch of rambling that is pretty much completely subjective, and may or may not be useful for you at all. (Opinions being what they are after all)

My first reaction, was there’s an awful lot of tell, and not near as much show in your script. Let the visuals tell a portion of the story for you, it’s one of the things comics really excel at.

On a pure structural note you have 2 pages of opening, a single page of turn, then a single page resolution. I think to really make this scene pop, the turn sequence needs to be the bulk of the story. I think it would be relatively simple to expand the Vietnam flashback sequence. It would involve some editing and serious streamlining of dialogue and captions especially in your opening. But I’m certain you can get there and still be telling the same story and maybe even amplify the drama a fair bit. You can maintain the inner dialogue captions talking about his current situation as you show the president being active in the flashback panel calls. You could likelydo a lot playing off the juxtaposition of the President fretting over his helpless situation. He’s facing his own senseless execution just like the family in his younger days.

Probably the easiest means to do so would be to cut some of the panel calls that are “Same as previous panel, but some small addition”. (One example was a wide shot of all four characters. Then the same wide 4 shot, but now Nemesis is holding his pistol up) You can very easily boil this down. Take advantage of the gutters on the page and let the reader fill a few of those gaps in in their head as they’re reading.

I used the example before in a different crit. But when I first started writing scripts I had a habit of writing, Panel 1 character stands up. Panel 2 Character walks across the room. Panel 3 Character puts on his coat. Panel 4 character opens his door. etc. etc. The same story can be told by saying panel 1 Character standing up. CHARACTER: TIME FOR A WALK. Panel 2 Character in a coat walking in the park. You get to your destination as a writer and you save a lot of real estate on the page for the sequences that really matter. There’s also the small added bonus of your future art partners not having to draw the less interesting in between bits. Unless they are 100% vital to the story. Especially with only 4 pages, you’ve really got to kill your darlings, and really cut and refine the script until it is razor sharp.

Hopefully I’ve said something in this ramble that resonates for you. Good luck to you moving forward and keep working hard.


#109

Incredible. Just incredible. Thanks so much. I’ll read yours too, if you like, although again I’m not familiar with the property, so I’m not sure if that would be helpful for you?


#110

No problem at all. I’ve had fun reviewing these over the last couple days. It’s given me a lot to think about, and I really feel it’s only going to strengthen my work moving forward. (Meaning my reviews have a certain level of self-serving to them as well. But hey, that’s a win win)

In regards to my own entry, I wrote it with the thought it could be the first time someone has ever read Supercrooks in the back of my mind. If I’ve done my job you should be able to follow along just fine. I’d most certainly welcome any and all opinions on what I’ve done. Whether structural, narrative, what have you.


#111

Here’s mine. I decided to resubmit the material; I made slight changes - included title, name etc, change camera angles and snippets of dialogue.

Although I hoped to finish it in time, I still fell in the trap to have it finish by couple hours before the deadline. Also, I used the material I wrote last year when doing Hit - Girl solo adventure. As result, I had to cramp Kick - Ass in, which is kinda like cameo appearance. Now I wouldn’t change anything :slight_smile:

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B-aCOZIrI00tajdUQXcwZHRoLW8/view?usp=sharing


#112

I liked your story, and you’ve definitely got the tools to script a comic. (Since you’re actively putting stuff together I don’t think that was in question for you anyway. But I figured it’s worth noting.)

But in this instance, I kind of feel like your story went too big and changed too much of the context from Volume 1.

This mind you, isn’t a knock on your story as a stand alone, but more an issue with it fitting into position within the greater whole of someone else’s property. Since Nemesis is someone else’s toy, the BIG stuff is probably best left to the folks that own the character.

It’s definitely threading a needle to dance between raindrops and still tell a compelling story, but I think it’s that limitation on your options that can lead to some interesting story beats you might not stumble across when you’re in complete control.

Fun stuff, and I look forward to seeing what you cook up on your own stuff when you can cut loose.


#113

Thank you Mercutio (great name by the way). I appreciate your comments and feedback. I get where you’re coming from about the predictability of the story. I definitely wanted to tackle a Supercrooks story because of the six titles that were available, it was one that appealed most to me. Heists are my favorite genre in both print and movies. I always want to inject a little bit of science into science fiction and I hope I did OK here. I’m going to assume that a lot of the people who wrote about Supercrooks probably chose a variant rob-job to the one I produced. I knew that unfavorable similarity might be a possibility going in but with a name like Supercrooks it’s tough to stray too far from the title. I look forward to reading the winning author’s work in the 2017 annual and see how he separated himself from the pack.


#115

Hi Warren thank you for reading “Time-Out”. I appreciate.your time and feedback. You make very valid points about the potential of some readers coming to the Supercrook’s storyline cold. That was my reason for the addition of the ID/ability tags to each of the characters when introduced to the reader (The ID tags for the first team are a little bit higher in the story). I was hoping that small addendum might assuage any possible confusion.

You asked about Kasey’s part. Like the Ghost’s Boulder team, Johnny’s team has rendered the NY guards unconscious. Kasey is merely monitoring and psychically inducing their sleep to continue.

Thanks again for reading and commenting Warren.


#116

I dind´t separate myself THAT much.
But it has a more prominent element of surprise, that I can tell you.


#117

Hi Martin. I just realized “you’re” Mercutio. First of all, let me congratulate you on the win. Nice going. I’m really looking forward to seeing your story in the upcoming annual. I’ll be sure to keep an eye for your future stuff as well. Thanks again for reviewing my submission.

Mike


#118

Hi everyone, here is my script for 2016.
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B5ka48nc0tu4Wi1ndEQyRk5adjQ/view?usp=sharing
I didn’t know they did this for 2015, would it also be ok for me to post my 2015 story submission too?

Thank you all who volunteered to do this, I greatly appreciate any feedback.
George A Aguilar
antoniogeoa@hotmail.com


#121

Here’s my Huck script! Would much appreciate some feedback!

Huck - Coin Flip (Google Drive):


#122

I just read this; I gotta say - it’s very funny story. It had me cracked up in the beginning when Hit - Kick berates Kick - Ass for the costume. Actually, that all of the fans wear better looking costumes than their role models. I worried how it might end though, but Hit - Girl didn’t disappointed me:smile:

Btw, was it neccessary to include scene description in every panel? Also, I think you’ve made minor error in page 3, panel 4 when it describes Kick - Ass being in focus, but his line appears off panel. But, thanks for participating. I hope I said something useful.


#123

Hey Warren, just letting you know I haven’t forgotten about you – just got a few things on my plate at the moment, but shouldn’t be too long before I get a chance to read your script. Cheers again


#124

Hey George, this is peer feedback (unlikely to include feedback from the judges), so no volunteers as such - just everyone mucking in and posting/reading scripts and offering opinions. So feel free to read a few too and share any pearls of wisdom!


#125

I’d gladly review any Kick Ass, Hit Girl material, but see there isn’t any - except George. Only, Huch, Superior and Nemesis; unfortunately, I am not familiar with the characters, so my words’d be useless.


#126

Hi guys, sorry I thought these were going to be reviewed by moderators or those who made the original selections. I would be more than happy to help offer feedback, please be patient, I am working on other projects (comics and youtube) so it will take time, but I will offer thoughtful feedback. Thank you!


#127

This thread is specifically for peer feedback. Gar has commented once or twice but I wouldn’t expect much in that line.


#128

Hey, everyone. I’m fairly new around here, but would appreciate any feedback you can give on my Huck script that I submitted. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1v_K201r2k1u2gsAPrfRu4GaEcLD_QXs_3r7ksdE6Gm4/edit?usp=sharing
It’s called “Windfall.” I had a great time working on it, and I appreciated the opportunity to play in Millarworld! I look forward to checking out some of the other scripts that have been posted here as well!