millarworld.tv Comics Creators

MW Annual 2017 - peer feedback


#63

I thought this had a nice, simple-but-effective premise, and I enjoyed the pay-off at the end - that the townsfolk weren’t simply there to take, take, take from Huck, but were actually more than willing to ‘pay it forward’. Good stuff.

I read @WarrenB’s notes, and although I hadn’t considered his suggestions myself I’m a great fan of ‘less is more’, especially for a five pager. So, although there was a nice rhythm and light humour to some of your panel selections I agree with his comments on the opening scenes, and the potential for variety - could make a couple of scenes a little more dynamic visually, too. Also, if you showed the full list of Huck’s ‘pupils’ in his notebook, but only show us one or two being taught their new skills, the reader gets rewarded with the sight of a couple of new people showing off their new skills at the end.

One last, very minor thing (I’m anal) - the structure of the last sentence didn’t quite sit right with me: “Don’t you see what’s happening? You’re spoiling these people, you’re teaching them to rely on you and it’s making them helpless! Haven’t you ever heard the saying, you can give a man a fish and feed him for a day or teach him to fish and feed him for a lifetime?!?”

I can just see him sticking his finger in the air quoting the saying instead - just change that last line to “You can give a man a fish and feed him for a day, or teach him to fish and feed him for a lifetime!” Hope that all makes sense!


#64

No worries, as the story teller if something goes unnoticed that’s on me!


#65

Thanks for your advice, I was a little torn as well on how to get that quote over. Obviously it was the central message so I had to get it in somehow but I probably could’ve stuck the landing better. Thanks again!


#66

Hi folks, this is my HUCK script. I had such a blast writing this thing, and I learned so much about pacing and panel limitations just by submitting. For that, I am extremely grateful to have participated. Any feedback on what I could have done better/differently would be greatly appreciated! Thanks!

https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B71YbfSa0PhaU016czVtd0I0RmM


#67

Good story Chris!
It feels a little bit like “generic country story #5” but the twist at the end helps. I would worry a little about the “hot couple” as that doesn’t really mesh with what huck is about, maybe a couple of punk kids instead?
Regardless of those quibbles you tell a story that makes sense and is easy to follow and I think that’s very important and often overlooked. Good work!


#68

Generic…yeah, I could see that. Perhaps not enough substance in the story itself. But to tell you the truth, that juxtaposition between the sweet and innocent Huck, and the raunchy hot girl, is what attracted me to the story in the first place lol! For me, it was kinda like that moment in Forrest Gump where Jennie shows him her breasts, and Forrest freaks the hell out…Haha! But thanks man, I appreciate your input!


#69

Wow man!

that was a nice Script. I very much liked the presentation Scene, and alll the Pop Culture references along the way (The title is simply inspiring).
I also liked, that you used RODDY´s Inteligence and time machine as a callback to the original serie (I also did that in my script).

Now, some Pointers about what I think it can be improved.
As many of the others subbmission I have read on Supercrooks, you focused the story in only ONE Character when the book is about an enssemble cast (Yeah, It can be difficult cramming ALL the Supercrooks in only four pages, but i belive it can be done).
Another problem is, that, for a story of “Supercrooks” there´s no real crime commited by Roddy. And I belive that, if the Book was “Ocean´s eleven with Superpowers”, there has to be some kind of Hit, or Heist involving the characters.
Finally, (and this has nothing to do with the story, just the way you presented it) All the Dialog is written in Caps, wich mean you can enphasize or punctuate something that´s important to the story.

I Hope this helps you in some way.
Cheers.


#70

NIce!

I really like the script. In fact, I belive it has all the things a Supercrooks story must have (The Heist, the risk, all the Crooks) and it´s really smart and clever.

There is, really, only one thing that I think the story miss, and that´s some kind of twist about the things happening.
I mean, the plan was perfectly executed (as your script) but it lacked some kind of “Surprise”, and without that, the story comes as a little predictable.
And…
Ok, that´s as much as a critique as I can give.
I really liked (yeah, i said it before, but it was very good).


#71

Hi, just read your script, and in terms of story, I did like it, but there are two things that for me detract. The first is that it reminds me very much of ‘Do We Really Need A Superman?” (I may have the title slightly wrong there), and one of the great things the author of that story was able to do in that particular iteration of this theme was get into Superman’s head and make him wonder if he really was doing the right thing by saving people. It provided both great character depth and a morally interesting theme. I know you only have five pages here, but given that I’ve seen the premise before I can’t help making the comparisons.

The other thing that strikes me about the content of your story is something that may be a product of my unfamiliarity with the character. To me, the fact that the premise was taken towards the easier end of the morality spectrum makes it feel a bit like the sort of story we read as kids. Again, from what I’ve heard of Huck (and why I haven’t picked it up), this is probably in keeping with the tone of the source material, and therefore entirely appropriate. But given that I avoided the original because it’s not the kind of thing that speaks to me, this was for me a negative. You’ll know better than I, though, whether this is the correct tone for this entry (and I suspect it is).

On that, note, though, I think even in the mode of a children’s storybook, there are a few lines that could be made less explicit, especially near the end. I think panel 2 on page 4, in particular, is way over the top: we know what Whittaker’s going to be feeling and thinking, and have been expecting it since about page 1 (given that it felt like a morality tale from very early on, and as such the ending was foregone). As a bit of advice, I would say that with these big emotional beats, you should tend to bring them down, if the set-up you’ve done has us expecting them. It will help the beat to feel more real, and less melodramatic. I think this panel could just be replaced with a stoic Whittaker looking on, and the work of the townspeople being reflected in his glasses. A small quiver of the mouth (and no dialogue) would convey everything you wanted to convey, without being bombastic.

Normally the positive aspects of a review or critique come at the top, followed the constructive criticism. But with yours I wanted to leave the positive till the end, because it’s so good that I don’t want it to be overshadowed. In particular, while I felt the story was in danger of hamming it up a bit, you hit me with that last line. It was perfectly crafted as a call-back, and was exactly the kind of subtlety I mention in the previous paragraph. You actually played with my expectations, too, because I presumed we were going to end on a lesson for Whittaker, whereas really you went for a lesson absorbed by Huck. I think the fact that you came back to that interesting premise (“Should you use whatever powers you have to help those without?”) rather than the more well-trodden “You should have empathy for others because one day you might need them” was another great thing to bring home all in that one line.

And I think that this is indicative of the strength of the script overall: you have a great sense of structure. I’m reading Metamaus at the moment, and Spiegelman talks about how he treats his pages like each one is a paragraph. It’s one of those hidden things in Maus that I loved but that I couldn’t quite put my finger on, and you’ve done it beautifully as well. That’s particularly important in a five-page story, where most people struggle to actually even conceive of what a five-page story would be.

My only other note is that some of the panel descriptions are a bit confusing. After reading them a few times, one can understand them; but for the most part I’d imagine it’s better to have the panel descriptions be immediately obvious to the artist and the editor, to ease workflow. For instance, with the line, “There should be a large dead tree near the store (it ends up falling on it)” it wasn’t immediately clear what the ‘it’ in the parentheses was. I was also unclear as to how the artist was going to render that – eventually, I figured out that you were talking about something that doesn’t happen in this panel; but, originally, I was thinking “Is he asking for the tree to be falling in this panel? Do we have multiple images of the tree in different positions, like Spiderman swinging across some rooftops?”

It wasn’t hard to figure out, but there were quite a few things like this, so overall it could slow the artist/editor down. I would say just remove the parenthetical information, as it’s completely irrelevant in this panel description. In general just think about what you want the artist to draw, and tell them that. Another related example from that same panel is where you ask your artist for a bird’s-eye view and also ask him/her to present information on a vertical plane (the ‘General Store’ sign). How is an artist to render this? What would that actually look like? Do we have massive curvature in this panel? If so, say so.

So, to sum up, we have masterful five-page storytelling, a great premise (but unfortunately one that’s been touched upon in a Superman story), a tone that isn’t catered to my tastes but which is probably in keeping with the Huck project, and panel descriptions which maybe aren’t fully keeping in mind exactly what you want to see on the page.

As with all feedback, these are only my thoughts, but I hope that in some small part or way you find them helpful or productive. Cheers!


#72

Hey Ray, very well written script! Clear, concise, easy to read, and told with great attention to visual description. It was obvious that you really spent some time in Huck’s world, seeing how you brought many of the characters from the series into your story. It really helped make your script feel as though it occurred in Huck’s own backyard.

As far as the story itself, although it’s simple and sweet, I felt as though there wasn’t enough conflict in it. Huck didn’t have a real challenge other than figuring out what his next deed was going to be (and that’s sort of a mundane challenge). There isn’t any conflict until we see the mother being mean to her child, but that only last one page, and then Huck moves on. In fact, to me, the first couple of events in the story (the rabbit and milk) are episodic. These are just events in his daily life, without any impact on him, or the story at large. Although I bet you were trying to showcase his character for new readers as well, I actually think the story would have been stronger if we got to see Huck STRUGGLE with something. Could he have had trouble freeing this woman? Could he have grown attached to the rabbit, and find it difficult to give it away? Was he uncomfortable around such a mean mother? Did he wish he could have done more for this little girl? So what if he didn’t come up with a good deed? Is that enough to ruin his day?

One last thing I’d say, is that the core situation in your story (Huck locating a missing person) has already been done in the actual series. I believe it was issue 2, where people start asking Huck to locate their missing loved ones. So to me, what you’ve done here is a tad bit repetitive to what we’ve already seen in the series.

Speaking of repetition, I think its also interesting to note that you and I used Huck’s journal much the same way. Both of our stories begin and end with a look at Huck’s journal, so I’m guessing other writers did this too. It’ll be very interesting to see how the winning script chose to showcase Huck differently!

Again, these are just my thoughts on it (obviously I didn’t win either!), but I think you would probably appreciate the most honest feedback I could give you. Anyway, best of luck to you man!


#73

Wow, now that’s a thorough review! I knew when I was writing it I was treading dangerously close to being sappy and I probably dipped over a little. I have not heard the problem with the panel descriptions before but I could see how it would be unclear. Thanks for all the time you put into reviewing it for me!!


#74

And I am actually not familiar with that super man story, was it a standalone?


#77

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B59rrKrQrfQfdGxxNHVFN0xfVVk/view

Any kind of feedback, pros or cons, would be highly appreciated. This kind of thing makes me super nervous but that’s also thrilling in an odd sense! Writing is my dream so any step taken in pursuit of that is one I’m willing to take.


#78

Tried to check out your Empress script but Google Drive says I need permission. You tease!


#79

Sorry about that! I changed to settings now and corrected the link, so that everyone can read it :slight_smile:


#80

Not a problem. You were the only one to review mine, and I really do appreciate it, so it was easy to reciprocate. The Superman story is actually called “Must There Be A Superman,” and nah it wasn’t a one-shot; just the 247th issue. But it is quite a beloved issue, and there was even a reference to it in Bryan Singer’s Superman film. I first came across it in the intro to Kingdom Come, and there’s a great wee history of it in there.


#81

Cool man, thanks, you’ve got me curious now!


#82

Hey all,

Here’s my Superior submission for anyone kind enough to give it a read. This was my first attempt at writing a comic script, and, while the story is a bit kitsch, I wanted to go for something upbeat.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B1Lry9G0VvIcV251ekFBUl9lM1k/view?usp=sharing

I did however fall into the trap of leaving it late to enter, rushing it on the day of the deadline. So I made quick redraft the next morning which I think works better.

Version 2: https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B1Lry9G0VvIcM0N4WU1HcGZ2emM/view?usp=sharing

Thanks again to anyone that gives them a read. I’ll do the same for others shortly.


#83

I’ve mentioned elsewhere that I thought the Nemesis brief was a tricky one to solve - how do you tell a side story set during the DC terror campaign, while ensuring it can standalone AND do the character justice? Tricky.

So I thought your idea was bold, brave and ultimately risky for dropping straight into the climatic Whitehouse scene in a sort of Back to the Future II style same-events-from-a-different-perspective (I think @strychnine5’s feedback missed this). That said, I liked that you’d singled out the President’s internal monologue during this scene, and his reasons for doing what he did (NEMESIS SPOILERS FOLLOW!)

My feeling is that the climatic scene from the original story is probably not the best jumping off point for new readers, and wouldn’t surprise existing Nemesis fans - the best bits for me were the flashbacks, and actually if the whole thing had been a summary of the President’s life and achievements you could have hit us with a double twist at the climax: 1. he has some dark secrets from 'Nam 2. What we’ve just read is his life flashing before his eyes ahead of his sacrifice in this extreme situation.

I agree with the earlier comments that some of your layouts were probably too ambitious for four pages, but I totally get what you were trying to do, and with the concept also. My biggest other issue (and possibly that of the judges) is that Nemesis doesn’t do or say anything we haven’t already seen in the original run - his name’s in the title, so I’d say that was a given!

On a hugely positive note, I thought the new dialogue was zippy throughout (the dark internalised humour reminded me of Peep Show) and your page/panel descriptions show that you know exactly what your vision is, which I think some people (myself included) have struggled with. Lots of good stuff in there - I’d be really interested to read more from you in future. Hope you can work with that!


#84

I only read your second draft but I found it very charming. I wish their were more comics that feel like your script does. That said, some of the dialogue could use some tweaking, like when the couple is falling the girl says “we’re going to fall”. It may just be me but that doesn’t sound natural, but an easy fix. Overall I enjoyed it very much!!