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Looking for help with script treatment. Happy to help back!


#1

Well, for my comic, the villain named the Waiter has hooked a power-amplifying machine to an unwilling telepath, that will collect his psychic energy and release it towards all of the powered populace on the planet (one out of a hundred thousand Generation Z members).
He wants to do this to cause the powered populace to take over, instead of their current status: holding back and letting the lesser-evolved Sapiens boss them around.

I really want this story to change the status quo of the planet; I really really really want to do a story about the protagonists stopping the worldwide revolution next.

The villain dies, and his death causes the activation of the machine (which is at the top of a skyscraper so that he could have had the higher ground). The psionic wave cannot be stopped, and one of the protagonist (Alex) has an idea:
He has recently manifested a second ability which instinctually activates during times of great pain and immediate danger, and that ability is rewinding time, around several minutes.
So he jumps off the tower, which is a huge risk since he has little experience with this power.

Now here’s the crossways:

  1. Alex’s powers do not manifest and he gets caught by Scarlett.
    The world is plunged into chaos.

  2. His powers manifest, but he can never turn off the machine in time. He keeps on jumping off, rewinding time and trying again with new knowledge and ideas. He only managed to stop the machine from releasing its full power a little, and then he is essentially forced to give up and focus on fixing the problem instead of trying to stop it in the first place.

I personally prefer 2; as it is more dramatic, but I do not want people to find it cheesy or think that it is some sort of Edge of Tomorrow or Groundhog Day or Doctor Strange rip-off. I came up with the second ending first, but then I realised how people might think I copied Doctor Strange (which I did not).

So, which one do you think is not only better, but will recieve a better reaction among readers?


#2

Ending 2 is more dramatic but ending 1 might accomplish your story goals better.


#3

I had not think that you copied Doctor Strange when I read the option 2, but yeah, the movie came up immediately in my mind. So I would avoid that, just to avoid the trouble.

But I think that the second option is better, so maybe you could adapt the concept in it. He jumps, get back in time and still are not able to prevent things. Without the repetition, just one time. I think this still would be better than the option 1.

The try and fail of the second ending put your protagonist in a lowest low than the first ending. So would be a more satisfing journey when he recovers from that and maybe use this power succesfully in the future.
Instead of using this power in the future and we think “Ok, so he could save the world if Scarllet had not interfere that one time” we will think that he is now a better hero, that learned more about his power and now can use it properly after his major failure.

But I feel like you have a huge amount of story to tell in ending2 and just a few panels in ending1, so maybe the lenght of the story should also be considered in the choosing of the ending.

(That is an opinion based only in what you give me in your post, ultimately you are the one who knows what is best for your story, be careful in taking this advice too seriously.)


#4

The 2nd one. And don’t worry, all those stories you named were rip-offs of ‘El Eternauta’; and ‘El Eternauta’ also was a rip-off, so the neverending cycle fits with your story :wink:


#5

Yeah! Finally some love for "El Eternauta!!

As for the ending, I´ll probably choose (unlike the majority) The first One… but not because i think of that ending as a Rip Off (as it was already said; all stories have already been told in one time or another, what makes yours especial is HOW you tell it); but because i find out that a whole world in Caos is far More interesting that just a little bit.

But, maybe that´s just me.


#6

The whole world in chaos can be achieved with both of the ends.

And I agree that he do not need to worry about the ending be a rip-off of something, but he need to worry about what the audience will think when read the story. If the audience think it is too similar to something that they saw recently… no one will have the chance to explain and defend himself with the history of storytelling… the audience will just not like and that is it.


#7

I personally prefer ending 1, as it really sets up the story for a chaotic & backwards way forward. Plus, I’m a big fan of stories that surprise you by not turning out with the heroes winning the day. The time travelling comes off as a bit too convenient of a way forward.


#8

Hello guys.
I have chosen option one, but I am definitely going to make a story with time loops involving Alex’s powers.
I am now looking for people to review my finished “treatment”, which is basically the full story of the comic. It is just over three pages on Google Docs.
Please message me privately to be added to the document, as I do not want anonymous editors on the document. I will share out the link publicly if there are too many people asking for it, but that will probably not happen.

I am happy to help review others’ comics, stories, art, e.t.c. As artists and writers are unable to critique their own work very well, so I’ll help out others too :stuck_out_tongue:

Thanks for the advice on my two endings :slight_smile: