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Looking for critic.


#1

I just wrote a two pages with 9 panels, so I’m looking to see if it grabs your attention. The name is a work in progress. If at all curious please a message


#2

Okay. Get a haircut!


#3

May I see it? Post it here publicly.


#4

Thanks for the message didn’t really expect a reply


#5

Sure thanks, this is my first time writing a comic script, so please be a brutal as possible. And as I said be before the name is a work in progress.
DETECTIVE-KILLER #1
“Scene of Crime”

PAGE 1 – 5 panels
Panel 1
Over-looking the city of St. Louis early morning with the sun just breaking through, you can see cars zooming through the city streets and highways. People walking in every direction each going to different directions. Some are conversing, others listening to music, and some are just walking.
Panel 2
We move to the downtown section of the city following a black car, heading to a crime scene. The road is almost completely clear with the expectation of a few cars.
Panel 3
The car pulls up to an alleyway surrounded by vacant buildings and a bridge, a perfect place to dump a body after a murder. At an angel 5 police officers can be seen guarding the barricade tape keeping the curious citizens out of the way so CSI can do their work. One officer is seen collecting evidence, two others are taking measurements, one taking photographs of the scene, and one more searching for fingerprints. The body is still out of view saving the horrible seen for later.
Panel 4
Back to the car; someone opens the door and their foot comes out. Nothing special, just someone stepping out of a car.
Panel 5
A complete body view is seen. The person in the car was a beautiful white woman wearing a black jacket, purple shirt, black pants, and black shoes. Her long brunette hair shined in the light as it flowed in morning breeze. She was wearing a badge and a gun holster around her waist indicating she was a detective.
PAGE 2 – 4 panels
Panel 1
The people surrounding the scene made a path for the detective as she walked toward the crime scene. The police behind the tape raise it for her so she can pass.
Panel 2
She binds down under the tape and continues her way to the body. Two officers casually look back at her tracing her figure with lustful eyes. Just by looking in their eyes you can tell what they’re thinking.
Panel 3
Looking up from the ground so the body is still out of view the detective arrives standing over the body.
Next to her is the officer taking photos, he holds the camera in both hands still staring down at the body.
DETECTIVE MILLS: Officer, I’m Detective Bianca Mills.
PHOTO OFFICER: Detective. God, horrible isn’t?
DETECTIVE MILLS: Yeah
The two talk without making any eye contact, they both just stare down. They’re faces tell that they both have seen a lot but nothing like this.
Panel 4
Looking down, the body of a young girl in her early twenties can be seen. Her blood splattered everywhere like she had been thrown off one of the surrounding buildings. Her eyes were open, but her eyeballs were missing as was her scalp. She was wearing a pink dress that looked like she had came from a party splattered in her blood.
PHOTO OFFICER: The things people do can be absolutely scary.


#6

It is awesome you’re a) writing scripts if this is something you want to do, Keep doing it! It’s the absolute only way to improve, and b) the fact you’re looking for advice and open to critique is a HUGE plus. Many people especially starting out are super protective and don’t want to hear what others have to say.

Where this stands though it’s hard for me to get much of an impression of your story since this really seems like a portion of a scene as opposed to a completed narrative.

As far as the nuts and bolts of your script, panel calls etc., my initial takeaway is that I’m not sure why the first page is necessary at all? If it’s just to be used as an establishing sequence to place the story that could be accomplished by having a landmark visible in the Big panel of the crime scene, through the municipality signage of the police cars, or even just a caption box.

Now if your intention is to write/produce a story that is decompressed and longer form (like some manga are for example) then I could be very off base. If that’s the intention and the rest of the plot calls for these kind of deliberate pace slowing moments for a reason, decompression can be a very strong tool story wise. But, there has to be a reason for it, in my opinion.

The first comic scripts I ever wrote were very guilty of things like Character A stands up. Next panel Character A walks across the room. Next panel Character A opens the door. Next panel Character A’s back as he leaves. Next Panel closed door. These things weren’t there because I wanted to show the character being slow and deliberate, I just didn’t realize how many of those in between steps could be skipped and that readers could still follow along.

You can go from panel 1 Character sitting says “I think I’ll go for a walk.” straight to panel 2 the character walking in Central Park, and as readers we’ll follow that.

(Obviously my examples are super simplified and not interesting. But I think they maybe show what I’m saying.)

In the end these are just my impressions from your script as presented. You’re early days on this right now. I’d say just keep writing until you reach THE END. Then come back to it as a whole and start tightening it up from there. Editing is where all of my best writing comes from. (I’m not lucky or skilled enough to nail things in one go almost ever)


#7

Thank you so much for your advice. It really means a lot. I’ll work on the panels and the next time I post the updated version it will be better and maybe with more of a story to tell.


#8

The line “The things people do can be absolutely scary” doesn’t sound natural - unless there is some sort of cultural affectation that I’m not aware of. I’d use something more like:
“Goddamm world just keeps gettin crazier and crazier”
" People. I will never understand them"
" I’m never having kids."
“Kind of makes you want to keep your children at home until they’re 45”.

I’m not the most creative person in the world, but something a little more conversational and natural sounding would do wonders, especially if these are supposed to be “tough” city cops.


#9

Thank you so much for giving your thoughts, it means a lot. I kinda used it as a way to make scene a bit more dramatic.


#10

Alright so first thing is that your descriptions are too wordy your paragraphs have too much fluff to them that don’t help explain the scene. Like this:

Over-looking the city of St. Louis early morning with the sun just breaking through, you can see cars zooming through the city streets and highways. People walking in every direction each going to different directions. Some are conversing, others listening to music, and some are just walking.

Just say:

Establishing shot of a busy st. Louis morning.

Thats all you. The only other important thin to mention would any weird setting things that are revelant, maybe an adjective like bright.

You don’t need panel 2 at all.

Panel 3 should be another establishing shot that you use to set up the scene, let the artist figure out the minutia. The back half of your paragraph is not needed.

You don’t need panel 4 either.

Panel 5 should be trimmed down and edited. You don’t need the first sentence and flowing in morning breeze has been done to death. You can also just have your character walk out of the car so you don’t have to spend 2 panels getting us there.

Now you only have three panels now. Two of which I can see as two wide rectangular panels and a regular panel for your character introduction. So you can throw the next two panels into page one and it still flows well.

However you don’t need this and we can’t tell what they’re thinking because you can show that on the page and your not using captions. So its a superfluous statement that’s just more fluff.

So now you can move on to page 2 officially and you still have a lot of space to play with if you want to end with the body thats fine. But in any police investigation there will a detailed discussion explaining preliminary reports we even get to the body. So for the majority of the page you can fill that space with information about the killing before we see the actual body at the bottom of the page.

As for gripping me, its your basic by the numbers detective investigation story. I don’t see how it will be different from all of the other ones out there.


#11

I’m sure he’ll see this, since it’s his thread. But I’ll ping @omegakai_13 so he sees your script notes here…


#12

Oh I’m sorry, that was my bad.


#13

No worries at all. Just making sure the message gets to the intended recipient.


#14

You’re all probably getting tired of reading these “thank you” replies, but thank you all so much. It really means a lot that you take the time out to read it and give me feed back. And to anyone else that will give me feed back to save time “THANK YOU ALL”. Next time I post it will be the updated version with all of your notes. Oh and any ideas to change the crappy name to something more catchy will be just as appreciated.
-Thanks