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I need your help!


#1

Help! I just finished the first draft of my first ever comic script and I cannot progress without your delightful help! Read as much or as little as you like and GIVE ME SOME FEEDBACK PLEASE!

If you want a document of the full script (or if you’re interested in collaborating with me) email me here: one.thane@gmail.com

Synopsis (full synopsis available on request)
Clarke is a loner who is challenged by his psychiatrist to talk to one person a week for five minutes, for each conversation he has he will be rewarded a rare item of video game memorabilia.

Here’s an extract (the rest can be read here)

*Chapter 1

Page 1

Panel 1
Daytime. Inside a coffee shop our protagonist CLARKE is sitting and drinking a coffee with whipped cream on top. CLARKE is fat and Japanese-American, he is about 23 years old. He wears average clothing with a few details identifying him as a “geek”.

CAPTION
April

Panel 2
FIONA walks in and orders coffee. CLARKE is ogling her curvy figure and ginger hair.

Panel 3
FIONA glances at him and smiles, she has a beauty spot under her right eye, perfect straight teeth and sharp blue eyes.

Panel 4
CLARKE smiles back weakly.

Panel 5

FIONA
Hey now, are you writing?

CLARKE
Um, yes.

Panel 6

FIONA
Can I sit?

CLARKE
Uh huh

Page 2

Panel 1

Panel 2

FIONA
Snap.

CLARKE
Snap?

FIONA
Snap, we’re both writers.

Panel 3

CLARKE
I, uh, can’t share my work with you.

FIONA
That’s cool
(cont’d)
M’sure you’ve got people to pass around to…

CLARKE

Panel 4

FIONA
Like your friends

CLARKE
Yeah I’m in a bit of a social recession right now.

FIONA
Are you serious?

Panel 5

FIONA
How can you have no friends, what’s wrong with you?*

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#2

Use half as many words. First intro can be cut a bunch.

CLARKE - overweight mid-20’s Japanese/American geek, drinking fancy coffee.

Too much about damned coffee.

Get to it.


#4

I’d say the opposite of Miqque - you need more description. I mean after the first four panels above there’s no descriptions at all. Also, how many pages is your script for? I ask because you seem to have used the first to for a back and forth between talking heads and, to be honest, that wouldn’t suck me in at all. Sorry if that seems blunt but I feel honest feedback is more useful that just say “well done!” and moving on.


#5

Hmm, that’s something to think about


#6

I totally understand what you mean about “talking heads”. I do need to rethink this starting however their conversation and it’s placement is important to the overall story. To answer your question the actual comic will be 40 pages long, comprising of 6 chapters and an epilogue.


#7

Also, be as blunt as you like I need to improve this script!


#8

Talking heads needn’t be an issue. I was concerned that it was maybe something I’ve a six page story and you’d used up a third of the page count on two people sitting about!

There’s no need to bin the sequence, I would suggest thinking about how you can make it visually interesting though (playing about with panel layout / camera angles / etc) which is where more detailed panel descriptions come from.


#10

I see your point. Yeah it definitely can’t just be a sequence of square panels. I’ll seriously consider adding more detail to the panel description but I also want the potential artist drawing this to have some freedom to “move”, if you see what I mean…