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How can I improve this pitch?


#41

It’s a good premise, but I think it would need punching up. Grammatically, it doesn’t pack a punch.

A black-ops super-soldier takes on a different kind of mission: raising his newly orphaned teenage niece, who is herself developing superpowers.

Estranged half-brothers, one a super-powered secret agent, reunite when the other’s teenage daughter starts developing superpowers of her own.

Estranged half-brothers, one a super-powered secret agent, reunite when the other’s teenage daughter starts developing superpowers of her own.

Also, I can’t quite “see” the story from these. If it was a movie, what would the poster look like? If a comic book, what would the cover be?

Like these - some are good movies and some are bad, but you get the idea just looking at them.

A hard-as-nails, action movie badass finds out dealing with diapers and dance class is tougher than fighting off a squad of armed assassins.

Similar - this tough guy’s fists have kept dentists in business for years, but he’s brought to his knees by one mission: make kids smile.
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Twins - nuff said.
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Now, this may be going too far, but have you considered this concept below? I think it is easy to sell.

What if your super-powered super-soldier protagonist is not super-powered? What if it was his brother who got the powers, and he’s spent his life trying to compete by turning himself into the ultimate soldier - with advanced weapons - but he doesn’t actually have superpowers.

Essentially, it would be "What if Superman died, and Batman had to raise a 13-year old Supergirl?"

However, that would not be a pitch line. You have to think like a salesman or a pro wrestler when pitching so they don’t just get the idea, but already feel the appeal. The pitch has to have in it the kernel of what will get them to read or see it.

For this “poster” imagine your guy in full body armor and a ray gun in one hand and hanging from the girl’s ankle by the other while she’s flying about a mile up in the sky with a fighter jet firing missiles behind them.

The tag line: “Go ahead… try and tell her she’s grounded”


#42

Well, the cover I imagine is similar to:

Which is kinda fitting because the high concept description I had in mind was What if Wolverine actually had to raise Kitty Pryde?


#43

That works great. I love that.

For me, the question is where does your story fit? Does it fit next to DESPICABLE ME, SPY KIDS or KINDERGARTEN COP? Does it fit in with TRUE LIES or MR AND MRS SMITH somewhat more mature with darker comedy? Or does it fit in with LOGAN, ROAD TO PERDITION or BLADE OF THE IMMORTAL?

That’s something that needs to be clear in the pitch. Right now, it could be a story close to any of those and still be pretty good.

From a completely commercial point of view, especially if it is an original comic book, I think there is a lot more opportunity for breakout interest aiming it toward a comedy for a younger audience than the older. Somewhere between SPY KIDS and TRUE LIES than toward the darker, more dramatic end.


#44

Maybe somewhere between TRUE LIES and LOGAN.