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Feedback wanted for my MillarWorld Script


#1

Hi All,

My name is Stephen Boughey, I like many of you, decided to enter the writer competition with an American Jesus script. Now that we are all aware of the talented individuals that won, I am looking at YOU for feedback on my entry. At first I will admit that I was a little protective and unsure about posting my script here for all to see, but I soon realised that, that’s ridiculous! especially as I have a goal which I want to be able to achieve and that is tell a great story that I have in my head (for my own individual story). This is impossible if I can’t learn from what I have done already and open up fully and it’s something that I really enjoy.

Therefore please help in assisting me in being as detailed and brutally honest about my entry so that I may learn from it and take that advice into account when working on ALL future projects.

So enough from me now, here is the script:
American Jesus - To Walk on Water

Thanks!


Annual Contest Writers! Post scripts here for peer review
#2

This is an interesting story, @Boughey. A very well put together tale to explore some more of Jodie’s mysterious, apparently Messianic qualities. The interaction between Tom and Jodie is also well explored and reasonably balanced. All in all, a nice little character developing tale.

One thing I’d like to point out, though - it seems like you’re packing a whole lot into one single panel. For instance, on Page Two, the first panel has Tom squeezing the dog’s ball (note to self: refrain from childish joke) AND throwing it into the lake. This would require two panels, not one.

Let’s look at the second panel on that page, which is particularly cluttered: “Angel chases after the ball, dives into the lake and swims into the middle of it to retrieve the ball. We need a shot of the dog doing a full circle in the water, as with this motion he gets his leg tangled in a weed under the surface of the water. A possible underwater shot to show the dogs leg caught in the plant would be nice too.”

There’s a lot going on here. Way more than any artist could be expected to contain in a single panel. First, you’ve got the dog chasing after the ball, then we see it diving into the lake, then it’s doing full circle in the water, then the dog’s foot gets tangled. You also ask for an underwater shot. You’d need at least four panels to contain all of this action. Breaking down the action on Page Two, I’d say you’d need at least 8 panels to actually get it all across, which is decidedly overkill.

I like your narrative flow a lot, but I really think you should practice cutting down on your panels. A good exercise for reducing panel number would be to imagine how an artist might illustrate your ideas. You could even try putting pen to paper and sketch out the panel. Artistic talent (or lack thereof) is irrelevant, since you’ll be the only one seeing those sketches. It’s just a storyboard to help you decide whether all your ideas can fit into one panel or not.

Hope you’ll find my review helpful. Good luck! Looking forward to reading more of your work.

Cheers!


#3

Hey man! Thanks for the amazing feedback it means a lot to me. I totally agree with them sections being cramped into small sections. I looked at example scripts from stuff like huck and American Jesus as sort of a template for my format and noticed that not all panels that were in the book were listed on paper. for example 4 panels would’ve listed in the script but these would then have been split over into 6 panels. I assumed the American would happen to mine, so I took the same approach and I realise that this was wrong of me to do so and I should have in fact split it down further. Your advice of trying it in a panel is great though I really mean that and this is something I will look to do in future. AJ script was my first ever attempt at a script so I love that you have helped me here. I’m pleased that you enjoyed the story.

Thanks a bunch if there is any thing I can do for you please let me know.


#4

Hi Stephen, we have a thread for feedback already (two of them actually). Saves us from having a hundred threads like this!


#5