Mind Your Language.
A group of international students join an evening class to to learn English.
Now this is the Magnificent Seven (plus) that I want to see - The all-star Expendables if they were in a suburban classroom! The Fast & Furious, but armed with Oxford English Dictionaries!
Jeremy Brown - the Teacher.
Teaches with a wry sense of humor and a world weariness at odds with the optimist he once was - he’s getting too old for this shift! Played by Mr Tom Hanks.
Zara Nutley - the Headmistress.
No nonsense faculty leader. She’s got a two floor tower of Babel on her hands and she’s got state inspectors breathing down her neck. Only Jessica Chastain could bring a determined quality to Zara’s role.
Juan Cervantes - The Spaniard.
Javier Bardem plays this bartender by day, insomniac worldwatcher by night. Barely speaks, but writes plenty. Only his eyes speak of something once lost.
Anna Schmidt - The German.
Are her pronunciation misunderstandings for real, or is she playing a game? Charlize Theron is seductive, enigmatic, and someone who clearly knows the difference between ‘you’re’ and ‘your’.
Taro Nagazumi - the Man from Japan.
Electronics expert, these foreign words don’t make logical sense like his circut boards do but he’s determined to understand their contradictions. His shyness hides his mirth, the class doesn’t know just how much he makes his young son laugh. Ken Watanabe plays stoic widower, Taro.
Jameela Ranjat - The Indian
Priyanka Chopra plays Jameela. She seems to have the confidence to sit right at the front of the class, but her chewed pen lids give her away. She always briefly pauses after dropping in a new word in class, as if expecting an applause that never comes.
Zotlan Szabo - The Serb.
He sits nearest to the entrance, keeps his jacket on throughout class, his eyes dart from the chalkboard to the door at the slightest unexpected noise. Ryan Gosling goes full quirky, never go full quirky - unless you’re Ryan Gosling.
Danielle Favre - La Femme Française
Marion Collitard always brings three bags to a one book class. She has fifteen pens in her pencil-case but none work. Ten minutes into the lesson and she’s already daydreaming. She’s picked different classes every weeknight, just to spend time away from her wife.
Kenneth Kano - The Nigerian
The classroom confines him, learning pronouns isn’t as joyful as calling out Bible stories from his regular street corner, but those stories were heard and remembered, never read. He checks his collars and shoe shine before entering every class. Idris Elba emerges himself into the role.
Anastazja Bialy - The Pole
Stoney faced. Her head bows to her notebook in irritation when the class breaks for humor. Those late night, extra hours at the fast food, burger joint pay for these classes and she’s not here to make friends, friends leave with six months of tip money hidden in a stuffed bear while stiffing you on the rent. Jennifer Lawrence has come to learn.
Ranjeet Singh - The Sikh.
The class clown, a man of a thousand catchphrases and no apologises, whether they all laugh with him or at him, he really doesn’t care. Anil Kapoor plays Ranjeet like a glorious salmon swimming to a destination with the least resistance.
Max Papandrious - The Greek
He has a certain set of specialist skills, unfortunately one of those skills isn’t remedial English. Originally written as a comedic nebbish character for Zach Galifianakis, but he doesn’t have as much recognition on the international market as his replacement. The Rock is going to play this role how The Rock will play it. I’m not going to argue with the Rock, you want to argue with The Rock? Go make his day.
Burnt out teacher, Jeremy Brown, debates teaching English for another semester at a small community college - but a larger school, run by old teaching rival Werner Smith (played by Chrisophe Waltz), decides to elbow in and entice their students over. Will Brown stay around and make sure the students won’t end up in a school with shoddy rules of present & past tenses, and become accidental drug mules for Smith’s illegal painkiller supply ring?
The mid end-credits stinger is Chastain handing Brown a variety of folders with new students - cue headshots of Morgan Freeman, Benedict Cumberbatch, Robert Downey Jr and Matt Damon. Brown looks up at her with an raised eyebrow - cue rest of crew credits and remix version of the classic theme tune by Linkin Park.
Slight underworked phototshop montage of the group, in a blue and teal color scheme, with an explosion of chalkdust behind them.
10 Students. Eight Weeks. One Exam.
If Mr Brown can’t teach them how to pronounce their silent Ks, no one else can
And as I am universe building this series - the two sequels are already planned:
MYL2: Out of the Classroom:
New student Aldi Zerki (played by Matt Damon) is stranded in the wastelands of nowhere (Ohio?). The class need him in their end of semester quiz against their old rival school so Headmistress Chastain launches an all group rescue. Teacher Brown gives lessons on the shortbus there but tragically all their translation dictionaries are blown up by by a hitchhiking curtain-ring salesman/terrorist (Christian Bale) - this time they’re learning without the books!
MYL/21JS: English Harder
Undercover cops Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill join the class in this mash up of 21 Jump Street and MYL. Samuel L Jackson stars as the Big Bad - did he stutter his verbs, motherfucker? Hell no he didn’t.
I would like my $200 million in large notes, please Mr/Ms Producer. Thanks.