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$200 million reboots of beloved UK sitcoms!

I went to a recording at the BBC the other week to see Steptoe and Son being recorded with new actors. We obviously had the Dads Army movie a few months back too. But what if budget and concept did not matter and ANYTHING could be remade for 200 million bucks? What would be your dream reboots? Here’s mine…

RISING DAMP RELOADED

Ralph Fiennes as Rigsby, Olivia Coleman as Miss Jones, John Boyega as Philip and Eddie Redmayne as the Christopher Strauli character who replaced Beckinsale in the movie. All UK sitcoms had a plot with a suave, sleazy semi-aristo conman embezzling a gullible lead and Rising Damp no exception. This part was usually played by Denholm Elliot and I think Hugh Bonnenville would be perfect here, just sweaty and slightly desperate enough. Like a posh guy who’s slightly gone to seed… and I mean that as a compliment.


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Rise of 'Allo 'Allo

Timothy Spall stars as the long-suffering René Artois in the big-budget reboot of the innuendo-laden xenophobic-stereotype-laden classic sitcom.

Yvette: Doon Mackichan

Officer Crabtree: Sacha Baron Cohen

Lieutenant Gruber: Steve Carell

Michelle: Audrey Tautou

Yvette: Emily Blunt

The British Airmen: Kenneth Branagh and Rob Brydon

Herr Flick: Mark Rylance

Von Smallhausen: Matt Lucas

Helga: Catherine Tate

Madame Fanny (the mad old woman in the attic): Maggie Smith

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Last of the Summer Wine 3D

Sire Ian McKellen stars as Compo, a high octane adventure movie climaxing in rolling down a hill in a bathtub, in 3D for the first time.

Compo:

http://www.thetimes.co.uk/tto/multimedia/archive/00488/88507285__488105b.jpg

Clegg - played by Jim Broadbent

Foggy - played by Charles Dance

Nora Batty - played by Meryl Streep (she can do anything).

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Genius. Hat off to you sir.

I was thinking of a remake of Porridge -

Nick Frost as Fletcher
Daniel Radcliff as Godber
Christopher Eccleston as Harry Grout
Peter Capaldi as Officer McKay
Michael Pailin as Officer Barroclough.
Christopher Biggins as the character that Christopher Biggins played in the original.

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Since my budget is $200m let’s make the hill Mount Fuji!

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Genius, but I think you’d miss a trick if you didn’t have Patrick Stewart in it.

Some things shouldn’t be rebooted but if we’re talking about touching the greats:

Faulty Towers
Basil - Peter Capaldi
Sybil - Michelle Gomez
Polly - Martine McCutchen
Manuel - Sasha Baron Cohen

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I’d go Olivier Bardem for Manuel, getting that budget up as much as possible :slight_smile:

Basil would thus be Hugh Jackman!

MM

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Javier Bardem or do people in the biz call him by his proper name, like they call Elton John Reg . . .

MY AUTO-CORRECT SPELL-CHECKER! I HATE IT SO MUCH!!!

This honestly happens to me every day!

MM

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Oliver Bardem is Javier Bardem’s Non Union Mexican equivalent. The movie would obviously be directed by Steven Spielbergo. :wink:

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Mind Your Language.

A group of international students join an evening class to to learn English.

Now this is the Magnificent Seven (plus) that I want to see - The all-star Expendables if they were in a suburban classroom! The Fast & Furious, but armed with Oxford English Dictionaries!

Jeremy Brown - the Teacher.
Teaches with a wry sense of humor and a world weariness at odds with the optimist he once was - he’s getting too old for this shift! Played by Mr Tom Hanks.

Zara Nutley - the Headmistress.
No nonsense faculty leader. She’s got a two floor tower of Babel on her hands and she’s got state inspectors breathing down her neck. Only Jessica Chastain could bring a determined quality to Zara’s role.

Juan Cervantes - The Spaniard.
Javier Bardem plays this bartender by day, insomniac worldwatcher by night. Barely speaks, but writes plenty. Only his eyes speak of something once lost.

Anna Schmidt - The German.
Are her pronunciation misunderstandings for real, or is she playing a game? Charlize Theron is seductive, enigmatic, and someone who clearly knows the difference between ‘you’re’ and ‘your’.

Taro Nagazumi - the Man from Japan.
Electronics expert, these foreign words don’t make logical sense like his circut boards do but he’s determined to understand their contradictions. His shyness hides his mirth, the class doesn’t know just how much he makes his young son laugh. Ken Watanabe plays stoic widower, Taro.

Jameela Ranjat - The Indian
Priyanka Chopra plays Jameela. She seems to have the confidence to sit right at the front of the class, but her chewed pen lids give her away. She always briefly pauses after dropping in a new word in class, as if expecting an applause that never comes.

http://images.designntrend.com/data/images/full/75076/priyanka-chopra.jpg?w=780

Zotlan Szabo - The Serb.
He sits nearest to the entrance, keeps his jacket on throughout class, his eyes dart from the chalkboard to the door at the slightest unexpected noise. Ryan Gosling goes full quirky, never go full quirky - unless you’re Ryan Gosling.

Danielle Favre - La Femme Française
Marion Collitard always brings three bags to a one book class. She has fifteen pens in her pencil-case but none work. Ten minutes into the lesson and she’s already daydreaming. She’s picked different classes every weeknight, just to spend time away from her wife.

Kenneth Kano - The Nigerian
The classroom confines him, learning pronouns isn’t as joyful as calling out Bible stories from his regular street corner, but those stories were heard and remembered, never read. He checks his collars and shoe shine before entering every class. Idris Elba emerges himself into the role.

Anastazja Bialy - The Pole
Stoney faced. Her head bows to her notebook in irritation when the class breaks for humor. Those late night, extra hours at the fast food, burger joint pay for these classes and she’s not here to make friends, friends leave with six months of tip money hidden in a stuffed bear while stiffing you on the rent. Jennifer Lawrence has come to learn.

Ranjeet Singh - The Sikh.
The class clown, a man of a thousand catchphrases and no apologises, whether they all laugh with him or at him, he really doesn’t care. Anil Kapoor plays Ranjeet like a glorious salmon swimming to a destination with the least resistance.

Max Papandrious - The Greek
He has a certain set of specialist skills, unfortunately one of those skills isn’t remedial English. Originally written as a comedic nebbish character for Zach Galifianakis, but he doesn’t have as much recognition on the international market as his replacement. The Rock is going to play this role how The Rock will play it. I’m not going to argue with the Rock, you want to argue with The Rock? Go make his day.

http://www.goss.ie/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/the-rock-620x434.jpg

The Synopsis:

Burnt out teacher, Jeremy Brown, debates teaching English for another semester at a small community college - but a larger school, run by old teaching rival Werner Smith (played by Chrisophe Waltz), decides to elbow in and entice their students over. Will Brown stay around and make sure the students won’t end up in a school with shoddy rules of present & past tenses, and become accidental drug mules for Smith’s illegal painkiller supply ring?

The mid end-credits stinger is Chastain handing Brown a variety of folders with new students - cue headshots of Morgan Freeman, Benedict Cumberbatch, Robert Downey Jr and Matt Damon. Brown looks up at her with an raised eyebrow - cue rest of crew credits and remix version of the classic theme tune by Linkin Park.

The Poster:

Slight underworked phototshop montage of the group, in a blue and teal color scheme, with an explosion of chalkdust behind them.

Tag:

10 Students. Eight Weeks. One Exam.

If Mr Brown can’t teach them how to pronounce their silent Ks, no one else can

Franchise Overview:

And as I am universe building this series - the two sequels are already planned:

MYL2: Out of the Classroom:
New student Aldi Zerki (played by Matt Damon) is stranded in the wastelands of nowhere (Ohio?). The class need him in their end of semester quiz against their old rival school so Headmistress Chastain launches an all group rescue. Teacher Brown gives lessons on the shortbus there but tragically all their translation dictionaries are blown up by by a hitchhiking curtain-ring salesman/terrorist (Christian Bale) - this time they’re learning without the books!

MYL/21JS: English Harder
Undercover cops Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill join the class in this mash up of 21 Jump Street and MYL. Samuel L Jackson stars as the Big Bad - did he stutter his verbs, motherfucker? Hell no he didn’t.

I would like my $200 million in large notes, please Mr/Ms Producer. Thanks.

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Haha! This is amazing!

MM

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Hi-de-Hi! - The Next Generation

Maplins is re-opening this summer! Get yourselves down to Crimpton-on-Sea for a warm welcome by our staff:

Why, it’s entertainment manager Professor Jeffrey Fairbrother:

And your host Ted Bovis!

Is that comedian Spike Dixon I spy over there?

And will Peggy Ollerenshaw ever get to be a yellowcoat?

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I’d have cast Peter Serafinowicz as Rene, Julia Deakin as Mme. Edith, Toby Jones as Herr Flick, Alicia Vikander as Michelle, etc.

THe thing is that I perhaps would not do a big budget remake but a sequel - keep some of the cast, but have mostly new characters. Call it Flick! - it be the Kessler to Allo 'Allo’s Secret Army.
I’d keep RIchard Gibson as Flick, and have cameos from Gorden Kaye, Vicki Michelle, etc, slightly larger roles for Arthur Bostrom as Crabtree - now head of MI5.
It would ignore the final episode’s events - but films often are set in their own continuities (eg OLive and Arthur’s son in the On the Buses films, Mrs Brown’s BOys having all the characters be young/old enough to have been put up in care in 1986 even though Rory and Mark would have been pushing 30 at that stage), so it would begin in 1972. Herr Flick (the David Janson version) has died in Spandau, but the coroner (Simon Farnaby) discovers he is a decoy and the real Flick has been missing since during the war. The real Flick has been living in South America - working as a priest, again played by Richard Gibson. A camp survivor/Wiesenthal type played by Richard Dreyfuss is on his trail, with the help of Lt Gruber - now running a “gentleman’s club” in Munich. We discover Flick is looking for the spear of destiny and that the location is hidden in an xray of the fallen madonna…

It needs another ten-fifteen years but I had an idea for a slightly post apocalyptic tinged version of Last of the Summer Wine - with Catherine Tate playing Aunty Wainwright as a sort of Auntie Entity-type governing over a sort of Bartertown and Peter Serafinowicz - as Foggy, a military veteran who has come back - in reality he was a volunteer - a sacrifice for a nuclear war fifteen, twenty years before. He meets his old pre-war friends who did not sign up - Clegg (Ardal O’Hanlon), a quiet Irishman who lost his family and Compo (Lee Mack) who we learn was a normal “cheeky chappie” who went mad to get out of conscription, and became a sort of bandit as there’s no police. As Holmfirth becomes a hub for a burgeoning civilisation, they get into various scrapes trying to relive their childhood to heal the wounds of war.

Perfect casting re: Rising Damp as I keep seeing Don Warrington every time I see John Boyega.

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