With all the feedback coming thick and fast over the past week, thought I may share a 10 page short I wrote along with the talented Matt Hoddy of Space Pyrates fame ( http://spacepyrates.com ). It appeared in a local anthology and had a follow up written. Hopefully one day we will get around to creating more.
Personally, I fell I could tighten up the panels and the dialogue. There is a bit of fat that could be trimmed there.
All feedback is encouraged and welcome. Thanks!
Very fun read! You actually got me caught up in the characters. Great cliff hanger… BUT - you can’t end it there! I hope you have the next bit ready to share with us!
Like your artist style a lot, mate. Just a suggestion: you almost always keep a frontal pov (don’t know if that was on the script or the artist’s choice).
Maybe you can vary slightly with shots from above and below. “Move the camera”, as Cebulski once told me.
(don’t kill me… Just meant to be a constructive advice…)
Thank you for the kind words
There is a second part written, and in hands of the artist. Unfortunately it looks as if it won’t take off. Unless there are any editors lurking who would like to pick it up heh heh heh.
Thank you man, and I love any form of criticism. It’s what keep writers honest and helps me level up to where I need to be. So thank you very much for the feedback! I appreciate you taking the time to do so!
I’d suggest getting someone to reletter before you go any further. It’s inconsistent and looks amateur (the lettering).
Story is great though and I think it works well as a stand alone piece even if you don’t take it any further.
Thanks Daniel. I’ll pass it on to the artist (who did the lettering on this one).
Appreciate the feedback!
Just re-read my comment and I seem to have across a little harsh. I just meant that the lettering really stood out, which it shouldn’t have.
When pitching to editors, professional lettering is something that really goes a long way.
Again though, great strip.
Is the artist illustrating it regardless, or are they waiting to hear from an editor first? Sorry, just curious how that works.
Not a worry, your comments were fine mate. And I completely agree with you. For my latest pitch I have a pro letterer on board. Thanks again!
The second part was written and handed to the artist, however it appears as if he may no longer be interested in continuing the project, which is completely understandable.
It just means I can use the characters and the story lines elsewhere on another project
This is a really cool story Ben! Nice job. Love the twist towards the end. Wasn’t expecting it. A few notes: I didn’t mind the lettering as much as @DanielBellComics . It does look a bit different that standard, but it just looks a bit indie. Maybe there is some nitty gritty lettering details in there that is wrong but I’ve seen MUCH worse.
In terms of story pacing i had one note which may be a personal aesthetic. I really like it when we jump right in to the action, so I kinda feel like the real action doesn’t start in this story until page 7 though. That’s the stuff that’s gonna hook me, and get a feel for your concept. I feel that taking 6 pages to get there is a bit too long. I almost feel like if Pg 7 happened on page 1 or 2 of the story, that would really jump off the page and hook readers in while using the remaining pages to give us more. I know that’s a huge story change, but wanted to drop that note.
The art looks great. Encourage and bribe the artist to come back to it!
Thanks Chris - and I agree with you. Rereading it before putting it up I realised that there is some fat to be trimmed, and I could have got there sooner. However, with that trimming comes with the messing of the pacing. It’s a fine line to walk.
Oh totally. Don’t mind my “hey, here’s a small thing you could change, that would cause you to actually start over again from scratch and create a brand new thing!” type of note. haha
One other note as well, but this is more for the artist. On the first page, it would be better to design in some nice, intentional space to put the title and credits so it feels like more a part of the page. As it is, its kind of just worked around what’s there. I think as a writer, you could be on the lookout for stuff like that when you see the first layout sketches and bring it up to the artist.
All good, I can see where you were coming from.
Truth be told, we forgot to put the credits in until the end. Very telling, isn’t it
But this is why we make these things, right? To learn so when the time comes to step up we have a good grasp of the essentials.