39 replies to this topic

[mattgarvey1981]

Hi Guys,

Sorry if you lot think I’m monopolising the creative forum by keep posting stuff on here! J

I’ve just been a busy fella writing my arse off and trying to get my stories drawn.

I’m putting together a horror book called inhuman.

A few of the guys on here are helping with another story called the ledge in which I’m trying something different. 10 artists, 10 pages, one story.

This is one of the other stories I’ve been working on its called DIG and I’d love to know what you guys think.

I know the lettering is absolutely pants.

That was all me!

I need to find a good letterer, but I just wanted to show you guys the story and get some feedback.

If you bunch of rascals could proof read it for me?

Several pairs of fresh eyes are always helpful for spelling mistakes etc.

But mainly I’d like to know what you guys think.

Do you like it?

If not why?

Be honest, I’ve got broad shoulders. I can take the criticism.

Cheers in advance

Matt

[stuperrins]

mate, thats fucking awesome. good work brother

[Taj Aaron Gunn]

Looks great by the way, I didn't read the words though.

[mattgarvey1981]

mate, thats fucking awesome. good work brother

cheers buddy!

I didn't read the words though.

kinda defeats the purpose of asking you guys to proof read it for me.
but i'm glad you like the art work.

[Brad McLoughlin]

Hey Matt, nice work! I like the story, it's a cool concept.

The art is pretty good, nice linework, but I don't think there is a good "entrance" to the story as it is. I don't know, maybe starting off in the hole with him to begin with or something like that would help? The ending would have been improved by putting more of an emphasis on the last panel too. Maybe making it a nice widescreen panel to hammer the impact home? Also, I think the broad gutters make the pages look a little more disorganised than they should.

As far as proof-reading goes, there's a couple of tiny hiccups, in the second caption box on Page 1, the line "But, not on my first day outta the joint," the comma is technically wrong. I get you're putting a bit of a pause, but you're better off bolding the "not" to get a similar effect for the reader. Also, I'd restrain the excamation marks. My personal rule is that more than two is overkill, but that's me. Same goes for your ellipses ("..."), the rule is generally no more than three periods, and there should be a space before the next word.

Couple of notes on the lettering, because it's pretty good, and a little tweaking could make it really good - In the caption boxes, the sentences being broken up into individual lines doesn't look right. Either make each one a single block of text, or use a separate box for each part if you do want to break it up (though obviously you don't want a dozen caption boxes in a panel, so the first might work better). For the word balloons, I'd recommend making the font a little smaller or the balloons a little bigger. Some extra margin will make the story read better and will give you +10 Professionalism. Also, it looks like your artist isn't taking into consideration the amount of text in each panel of your script, some of the panels with a lot of dialogue are drawn small, and then some with none that have a lot of negative space in the art.

Most of this is small stuff, but worth mentioning, I think. As I said, the story's solid so keep it up hough, man. You've got some cool stuff going on right now, and I wish I was half as prolific as you are!

[stuperrins]

cheers buddy!



kinda defeats the purpose of asking you guys to proof read it for me.
but i'm glad you like the art work.

no probs brother,you should be very proud man- awesome stuff

[Stephen Galvin]

I think that's excellent work, Matt.
Couple of iffy panels, like the head shot, but some standout ones too.
You could put more drama in by forcing perspective in more panels, and at some stages the ground level is at the diggers hips, in others it is at his head, but overall a good little story, told well.
Great stuff.

[Denzel J Dickie]

Enjoyed it! Very professional looking.
Thought it was really well built together apart from a few things.
The grave looks like a swimming pool in certain scenes, boxes, also, when he flings the bottle a lots
distorted, like, the guys standing next to him, but when he is hit is at the other end of the grave.
Apart from stuff like that, I enjoyed it.

As others said, graves are supposed to be 6ft down as well.

But, as a horror comic its very good.

[Peter Singer]

That was awesome. This Mutt Garvey is rly one helluva writer!
Though I would change some of the lettering.

[Christian U]

Very nice work, Matt! I like it a lot.

Where criticism is concerned, I think it could use a little more breathing space - two or three pages more to flesh out the characters' voices a bit more would probably improve it. As it is, the turning point comes a bit too quickly, and after that you're doing too much telling and not enough showing (the narration in the panels turning too expository) because you want to wrap the story up quickly. I'd give it more time, let it develop a bit more slowly. That sort of ties in with a specific thing about the last panel: As readers, we already know he planned the whole thing. It'd work better for me if you used the last captions to tell us about the character's specific reaction to his situation rather than telling us that he's been had, which we already know (and really expect, at this point).

[mattgarvey1981]

As I said, the story's solid so keep it up hough, man. You've got some cool stuff going on right now,

Hey Brad.
Thanks for the lovely comments.
chees for the advice on the.... !!!!! (see what i did there!)
its stuff like that i didn't know.

Couple of iffy panels, like the head shot, but some standout ones too.

Hi Stephen,
Cheers for taking the time to check this out.
The only problem with being a unpublished writer, when artists work for free you have to give them a little bit of freedom with their artist choices.
But i totally agree with your commenst about a couple of the panels.

The grave looks like a swimming pool in certain scenes

he had been digging for a long time!!!!
I totally agree with youe Denzel.
As i said with Stephen above, its hard to tell an artist to redo somthing when he is working for free and helping me out to get my stories made.
but hopefully the story will allow people to overlook the little problems,

But I do appreciate all the comments that you guys are making.

They all help.

That was awesome. This Mutt Garvey is rly one helluva writer!

Cheers buddy

As readers, we already know he planned the whole thing.

you knew!

Cheers Christain.

Some nice criticism there.

Gives me a something to do when I look at reworking the story.

I know what you mean about fleshing the story out.

5 pages may not be enough, but the idea of the book I’m trying to create is all short stories, 5, 7 and 10 pages.

All different and they all hit you quickly with a self contained story coming at you with a shock or twist to make you go “woah” next story “where?” next one “how?” I don’t wanna let off with the shocks.

I will try to lose a little bit of the narration in the next draft though.

Thanks so much for your help buddy.

[Christian U]

(I think the art is fine, by the way, at least for a guy starting out and doing it for free and to showcase his work. The only panel that doesn't work at all for me is the one where he's smashing the bottle over the guy's head - that's a weird way to throw it, and it probably wouldn't smash if you did it like that, and where's the distance between them suddenly coming from and how did he manage to do all that so quickly while the other guy's hand was only an inch from the gun? I suspect you wanted him to just smash the other guy over the head with the bottle, not throw it. But like I said, hey, this is pretty cool art considering you're getting it for free . There are, after all, a lot more writers than artists trying to break into comics.)

Edited by Christian U, 05 February 2012 - 10:45 AM.

[mattgarvey1981]

There are, after all, a lot more writers than artists trying to break into comics.)

Amen brother!

[Christian U]

5 pages may not be enough, but the idea of the book I’m trying to create is all short stories, 5, 7 and 10 pages.

All different and they all hit you quickly with a self contained story coming at you with a shock or twist to make you go “woah” next story “where?” next one “how?” I don’t wanna let off with the shocks.

That's a very nice idea for a book. I mean, it won't sell, as a book in a volume, given that you're not famous and this is comics, but what it will allow you to do is have something in your hand to send to publishers to show them you can write, and they'll be able to tell that without having to wade through fifty pages of story because it's all quick punches. Nice one for the artists, too.

[mattgarvey1981]

I mean, it won't sell, as a book in a volume

would you not buy a horror anthology book of short horror stories?
i would, thats why i'm making it.
DC had Flinch, Dark horse brought back Creepy last year.
mines a little different.
It's a natural horror book rather than a supernatural book.
Each story is set firmly in reality and the stories "could" happen.
Well thats the ethos behind it.

Does they fat that i'm not famous really mean that much?

[Christian U]

would you not buy a horror anthology book of short horror stories?
i would, thats why i'm making it.
DC had Flinch, Dark horse brought back Creepy last year.
mines a little different.
It's a natural horror book rather than a supernatural book.
Each story is set firmly in reality and the stories "could" happen.
Well thats the ethos behind it.

Does they fat that i'm not famous really mean that much?

In comics? Sorry, mate, I'm afraid it does. Any non-superhero book written by an unknown will have a hard time finding a publisher, and finding an audience if it does. Being a well-known writers or having an imprint with an inbuilt customer base like Vertigo do it is pretty much the only way to pull it off (outside of doing it completely indie and pretty much for free and a small audience, all of which is completely fine as a first step, of course!).

Comics is a freakishly hard business, that's just the way it is.

[mattgarvey1981]

In comics? Sorry, mate, I'm afraid it does.

That’s awfully pessimistic! (but true)
Looks like I better get famous pretty damn fast.
I’ve always liked a challenge.

[Christian U]

Hey, you're well on your way, obviously. You're producing a lot of stuff, really putting work into it, and you're writing is good. Ambition, persistance, and a bit of luck. And like I said, I do think the anthology format is a great idea to make publishers notice you at the very least.

[mattgarvey1981]

Hey, you're well on your way, obviously. You're producing a lot of stuff, really putting work into it, and you're writing is good. Ambition, persistance, and a bit of luck

That's really sweet of you to say, Christian.
Thanks buddy.

[Stephen Galvin]

Why don't you put it up on drive-thru before offering it to anyone? It costs nothing. Establishes you as a publisher. Might make you a few quid if you promote it well enough. I'll do a cover for you. (Free) if you are not in any rush. Any sales at all will impress a trad publisher more than nothing will.