5 replies to this topic

[Dean Schofield]

Just note that the guy doing the artwork lives just down the road from me, so if this seems barren of discription or detail its because things are bound to change when he begins drawing, and like I said he lives down the road so its easier to collaborate and discuss whats needed what isn't, what will work what won't.

Be nice to hear some other opinions though, and I'm sure some of which will be on grammer.


DAWN OF EDEN: SCRIPT

PAGE 1

PANEL 1: Open box caption: 2141, forty years ago.
Outskirts of an unidentified once mighty hi-tec capital of the Shanghai Alliance (in China) lying in ruins, complete chaos. A battle, a last stand took place here recently. Can see people fleeing out of the city. (Have a road leading from foreground into the city) (The Shanghai’s army is largely cybernetic so lots of different sorts of destroyed drones and mechs strewn about)

PANEL 2: Over and further into the city, near centre.

PANEL 3 to 5: Small shots of parts of city, of the devastation and some of the bizarre ways in which its inhabitants and army have been killed. It should look like hell on Earth. Some people half alive, crawling.

PANEL 6: Shot of some Shanghai civilians hands bound and knelt on the ground pleading for mercy, they look scared as shit.

PANEL 7: Shot of same troops, what looks like two large fingers picks one of them up by the head.




PAGE 2

PANEL 1: Large shot from behind the bound troops, facing Dragun in beast form, pulling the head off the soldier he picked up.

COM SPEECH BUBBLE ‘Spectrum Omega acknowledge…’

PANEL 2: Shot of Patriot. Has a child in one hand neck broken, gunning down its mother with the other hand (which has morphed into a gun).

COM SPEECH BUBBLE ‘…you are ordered to cease activities immediately…’

PANEL 3: Shot Sierra. She is in the middle of cutting a man from groin to head.

COM SPEECH BUBBLE ‘…the Shanghai Alliance has surrendered. The war is over.’

PANEL 4: Smaller wide shot of Slayer’s silhouette stood atop a pile of corpses some-where on the edge of the city, gazing at the setting sun and sky, drinking in the unique colour scape only ever conjured from the wages of war.
Can see people near and far away fleeing in all directions.

COM SPEECH BUBBLE ‘Colonel Slayer you and your unit are ordered to return home and report for debriefing.’



PAGE 3

PANEL 1: Closer shot facing Slayer, city in ruins and other scenery stuff behind.

COM SPEECH BUBBLE ‘Colonel Slayer, do you acknowledge, I repeat th…’

SLAYER ‘Couldn’t give a toss. We’re not going anywhere, we're having too much of a good time...’

PANEL 2: Small shot of the New World Union leadership, generals and Sully Eden and Spectrum handler(s) in a war room. They all look a bit taken back by Slayer's response.

COM SPEECH BUBBLE SLAYER '...don't call back.'

PANEL 3: Lord near and approaching the heap (out of shot) that Slayer is stood atop. Military and civilians fleeing nearby. A woman is unfortunate enough to find herself in Lords way pleading for her life.

PANEL 4: Similar shot, Lord head butts the women which obliterates her head.

PANEL 5: Lord climbing pile of bodies towards Slayer.

LORD ‘Sir you’re missing all the fun.’

SLAYER ‘Sometimes its just nice to take in the sights. Look at it, you’ll never see a sky like this in peace time. Just wanted to drink it in, one last time before…’




PAGE 4

PANEL 1: Lord and Slayer. Shot angled so we're looking up at the sky above the city, along with Slayer and Lord.

LORD ‘Before what sir?’

SLAYER ‘We maybe out of action for a while, but I shouldn’t worry we’ve survived worse.’

PANEL 2: Open box caption: New World Union war-room.
Shot of leadership and Sully Eden in control room in debate.

LEADERSHIP ‘Their not responding.’

LEADERSHIP ‘Just what in the hell are they playing at!’

LEADERSHIP ? 'All that power at their disposal…what have we done!'

SULLY EDEN ‘I warned you all, that sort of power in the wrong hands…’

LEADERSHIP ‘They proved them selves in the Americas, we needed them, they were our only viable option, we knew they were unstable but what choice did we have.’

LEADERSHIP ? ‘As of now Spectrum Omega are a threat, they must be disposed of.’

PANEL 3: Small shot. Spectrum handler.

HANDLER 'With what? They’ve survived every thing the modern battle field can throw at them, from a bullet to the head to orbital WMDs. Spectrum Omega are the ultimate weapons.'

PANEL 4: Small shot. More than one person.

LEADERSHIP ? 'We have THOR.'

PANEL 5: Slightly bigger shot.

LEADERSHIP 'You can't be serious. That’s a death sentence on the entire planet. The simulations speak for themselves, Earths eco-system will never recover. The fallout will inflame the Super Brown Cloud; this planet will lose its ability to sustain life within the next five hundred years. THOR was only ever meant as a last resort.'


PAGE 5

PANEL 1: ?

LEADERSHIP ? ‘It matters not, plans are in motion, construction of a deep space generational vessel is underway. It will take the Human Race, the parts we select, away from this dying world for a new one.'

PANEL 2: Small shot.

LEADERSHIP ? 'Then it’s decided. Is it certain, can THOR stop them, will they die?'

HANDLER 'We can only hope.'

PANEL 4: Small shot.

LEADERSHIP ? ‘Then give the order, target China, do it now!'

PANEL 5: Shot of THOR in orbit over China, firing, it’s very bright beam in this shot making it part way to the surface.



PAGE 6

PANEL 1: Back to Slayer and Lord, city in background. THOR’s beam breaking the clouds, partly lighting up the sunset.

SLAYER ‘They expect us to return like good little soldiers to twiddle our thumbs, and give this up. They turned us into demi-god’s and they expect us to heel, well they can stick it where the sun don’t fucking shine!’

‘Come on then you shower of cunts, do your fucking worst!’

PANEL 2: Similar shot. Lord and Slayer hit by the blast, very bright.

PANEL 3: Just a black panel.

SLAYER ‘…we’ll be coming for you.’

[niall doonan]

Hi,

it's an interesting start, but I think the script could be clearer.

I know you explain the lack of description, but when there are so many characters introduced so quickly, in a world that is obviously very different to how it is now, it can be a little confusing.

THOR needs some sort of explanation as to who/what it is (and I'd consider changing the name just because of how recognisable Thor has become through The Avengers film)

Hope that helps a little

[John Paul Fitch]

Criticism is it? is that what you want?

Get a haircut! Since when is being a writer considered a job? You call THAT a Sunday Roast? PIck your feet up when you walk. Stop picking your nose. Definitely stop eating it afterwards! Your handwriting is atrocious...

continue ad nauseum...

[Dean Schofield]

Hi,

it's an interesting start, but I think the script could be clearer.

I know you explain the lack of description, but when there are so many characters introduced so quickly, in a world that is obviously very different to how it is now, it can be a little confusing.

THOR needs some sort of explanation as to who/what it is (and I'd consider changing the name just because of how recognisable Thor has become through The Avengers film)

Hope that helps a little

Cheers mate, I would of thought it would be obvious a to what THOR is, an orbital weapon installation, but I can appreciate that I would have to explain for anyone else who wasn't the guy doing the art, and yes the name of THOR does need to change it was only a working name till I thought of something better.

Criticism is it? is that what you want?

Get a haircut! Since when is being a writer considered a job? You call THAT a Sunday Roast? PIck your feet up when you walk. Stop picking your nose. Definitely stop eating it afterwards! Your handwriting is atrocious...

continue ad nauseum...

Are you my mum...my boss, not my primary teacher who pretty much said to me 'You have no future', well that tears it then, I'm going to throw myself into the chasm of despair.

[Dean Schofield]

Where is my mind, where is my mind, whereee iss myy mind. Good song.

Anyway, I realised I should of posted some kind of an explanation as to what DAWN OF EDEN is about, and a recent comment has also suggested its need.

So...
The human specie's pursuit of technology is leading it to a precipise. In todays world it would be very difficult to live without. We use technology to communicate, to travel, to maintain and repair our bodys; machines help to produce and transport the food we need to function. To take technology away would be disastrous, most of us would not survive without it. Where we once relied on nature to provide, we have increasingly turned to technology to meet those requirments more efficiently.
The invention of fire leading to the preperation of cooked foods; the hunter gatherer making room for a more stationary life style, the farmer using agriculture to modify crops and animals; the invention of the wheel, writing, currency; the industrial revolution giving birth to modern manufacturing techniques, and now we are in the age of bio, info and nano technology. All of these are technological revolutions that have greatly and irreversably changed our lives and the world.
Technology is the future of our evolution wether we like it or not. There will become a point in time when biology and technology will become indistinguishable, one of the same. Its already happening now, electroactive polymers used to create artificial muscles for robots, doing away with clumsy mechanical parts. How long will it be till we see advanced cybernetics used in modern medicine, paving the way for a cyberprosthetics industry (see Ghost In The Shell or Repo Men). But even these advancements may never come to pass with the rise of nano and synthetic engineering. Why muck about with metal and wires when you can augment biological life down to the sub atomic level, or create what ever you like from scratch.
There is no denying that evolution is moving us toward something greater that we are now, some would argue that we are creating our own evolutionary track entirely seperate and at odds with nature. I think this is untrue, the entirity of human history, the activity of every single one of us dead or alive, is or has been a part of that evolutionary process, and our planet is here to provide the materials to help facilitate that change, the only thing we are at odds with is each other, and because of this we may end up destroying this planets ability to sustain biological life, ahead of evolutions scheduale.

My story (DAWN OF EDEN) is a hypothesis of all the above. It is about a nano engineerist called Sully Eden, his dying daughter Dawn. The world is at war, a global war, where the declining fortunes of western political paradigms, the NWU (New World Union), has given ground to the technologically superior Shanghai Coperative who are now conducting, a hostile take over. The NWU (based in Europe) you are losing badly, America has almost been taken, Sully Eden is forced to give his work (a type of nano tech he has developed, an augmentation, successful alpha test was his daughter) up to the military who have aspirations for using it to create super soldiers, indirect contrast to Sullys intended vision which was to help facilitate human kind to evolve into a type two civilisation (google-Kardeshev). The super soldiers known as SPECTRUM, 500 hundred recruits plucked from the injured and dying, are sent into America, the over whelming Shanghai's forces there are defeated, but only five of the Spectrum recruits come back alive, but they come back much more than what they were, and most of them just happen to be some of the sickest individuals alive, they love to kill, maybe thats what helped them survive. To end the war the five recruits renamed SPECTRUM OMEGA were sent into the Shanghai motherland with orders to lay waste to the entire region, to anyone and anything indiscriminalty, to halt the onslaught of the Shanghai Alliance and to break them into submission. By the end much of the European continent has been layed to waste before the Shanghai Alliance surrenders, broken by the relentless undefeatable terror that is Spectrum Omega. They are ordered to return home, they refuse, already unstable killers now drunk with the extreme power the augmentations have given them. Whats left of the NWU now faced with a threat of their own making, unsure of how to kill and if they can be killed, decide to test THOR, and orbtial weapons array which was to be used as a last resort in the event that Spectrum Omega failed but at great cost to the planet. They use it, it inflames the super asian brown cloud, the fallout carrys all over the globe. Sully escapes with Dawn to the wastelands of America; while thinking Spectrum Omega dead the remaints of the NWU set about their plans for finding a better world taking only the cream of the crop, leaving every one else to rot and die on Earth.

So the first six pages here are just the before, the rest is set in its present 40 years after, and starts in the wastelands of America, Dawn a bounty hunter of legend (playing out her fantasys from the holo-comics she would read, dying on a hospital bed)

...and I'm not saying much more because I don't want to give it all away, and I need to refuel my biological construct.

reading it back few spelling mistakes, yikes!

[Dean Schofield]

Hi,

it's an interesting start, but I think the script could be clearer.

I know you explain the lack of description, but when there are so many characters introduced so quickly, in a world that is obviously very different to how it is now, it can be a little confusing.

THOR needs some sort of explanation as to who/what it is (and I'd consider changing the name just because of how recognisable Thor has become through The Avengers film)

Hope that helps a little

I'm going to reveal things along the way, I don't think things need to be explained all at once, certainly not some of the comics I've read, but I do understand what your saying.