7 replies to this topic

[craggy]

Can't find my old thread, so starting a new one.

Would like feedback please (not sure about the captions giving the main character's internal monologue) and any artists interested in drawing this, please reply here or PM me.

The Wolf Folds

PAGE 1

PANEL 1- full page width, 3 men around a table playing poker with the 4^th who gives us our POV. There are cards on the table, and a small pile of chips in the centre. A streetlamp outside illuminates the smokey room through barely open blinds. Left to right, they’re: Luigi, a thin older Italian mobster with a thin grey moustache and rapidly receding hairline; Yuri, a Russian ox, his scarred bald head being compensated for by his bushy eyebrows and thick red beard; Chavo, a latino with short shaved hair and a wicked grin. The fourth man is invisible aside from the black leather glove he holds his drink in.
(Don’t worry about drawing the detail on the cards each person’s holding, or much that’s on the table itself after this shot, the bottom of most of the panels will be covered by captions, in a retro crime/horror comic style)
CAPTION: I don’t want to kill these men.
CAPTION: The world will be a better place without them, but a world where one man gets to make that judgement is a whole lot worse.
CHAVO: “Yo, why you always wear that mask, homes?”

PANEL 2- Close up of the 4^th man. He’s white, probably, with dark tanned (or dirty) skin and 3 day stubble. Black greased back hair and a loose strand that links it to his leather domino mask. He’s the Black Bowman, a supervillain enforcer.
CAPTION: He raises and I itch my eyebrow, it’s a definite tell, and they notice.
BOW: “Because I know you couldn’t control yourself if you saw my pretty face, Chavito. I’ve seen those kids that “work” for you.”
CAPTION: I raise too. My hand is bad, but my cards are good.

PANEL 3- Close up of Chavo, his smile turned to a growl.
CHAVO: “Screw you, vato, they my familia. My brothers.”
CAPTION: Chavo’s uncle runs Los Guerreros, the biggest latino gang in the city, with a few hundred teenaged members. I know he’s no child molester, but it always amuses me the way criminals try to cling to some honour when accused of acts they’ve chosen not to commit whilst ignoring the wrongs they have done.

PANEL 4-Luigi, swallowing from a glass, his hands far larger than they should be for a man his size, and showing visible wear.
LUIGI: “Shaddup an play you two.”
CAPTION : Luigi sees the bet, and takes a big gulp of his whisky. He hates the banter when he’s trying to focus on bluffing. He doesn’t have his brother’s power in the mob, or his stomach for violence. He’s almost a good man, for a pimp.

PAGE 2

PANEL 1- Yuri Ivanof, a large stack of chips and a bottle of beer framing his huge hairy chest. He looked like he just killed someone – so, happy.
YURI: “Yes, more playing, less talking. More playing means more winning for me, ha!”
CAPTION: Ivanov loves to win, and right now, he thinks he’s got it in the bag, he raises. The money he’s won here tonight means he’ll be able to pay for someone else’s drugs if he feels like celebrating.

PANEL 2-Chavo looking at his cards in disgust. It’s not been his night.
CHAVO: “Damn, Yuri, you got cohunes! I can’t raise that.”
CAPTION: Chavo folds. He’s lost enough of his allowance tonight. He’s crazy, some of the time, but I guess tonight he’s reigning it in.
CAPTION: I call.

PANEL 3- Luigi placing his glass down on the table, it’s all ice now.
LUIGI: “Too rich for my blood.”
CAPTION: Luigi’s right, this is getting expensive. It’s going to cost me a lot.

PANEL 4- Yuri, cards down on the table, huge grin in anticipation of his victory.
YURI: “Okay, mister Lone Ranger. Let us see what you have that can beat my King-high straight.”
CAPTION: The King. As if I needed the reminder. The superstitious boy that ran around in tights and a cape fighting crime with my mentor, The Monarcher, would call it a sign. I’m almost glad I got over that phase.

PAGE 3

PANEL 1- The Bowman looking down at his cards, admitting defeat. He’s loosening the black silk tie from around the neck of his white shirt.
BOW: “You win, Yuri. Jacks and Queens.”
CAPTION: I lay the cards down as if in defeat. Tonight isn’t about winning or losing. Not at cards, anyway. I count my chips, as Ivanov gathers his winnings.

PANEL 2 – Yuri points at his opponent as he gathers his chips up in one hand, a mocking laugh escaping from his beard.
YURI: “Ha! I know when you are bluffing my friend. So predictable!”
CAPTION: I don’t want to kill these people. I set my remaining chips down and get up, stopping at the bar to refill my glass as I step outside.

PANEL 3 – The Bowman standing up, in his 3 piece suit, placing the empty glass on the table with one hand, and reaching into his coat pocket with the other.
BOW: “I’ll be back in a few.”
CAPTION: Luigi laughs.

PANEL 4 – Looking over the Bowman’s shoulder as he stands at the bar, we see Yuri laughing. Luigi might be shuffling the cards whilst Chavo counts his ever-diminishing chips.
YURI: “Gotta call the little lady, eh? If you quit now, maybe you can still afford a better one, for a while.”

PAGE 4 –
PANEL 1 – Close up of the Bowman finishing his drink.
CAPTION: I’d gone for my phone quick, carelessly. A cold dark part of me thinks that if they’re clueless enough not to see this coming, then they deserve it. It repulses me, and I try to hold onto it as I drain the glass.

PANEL 2 – The Bowman, a little outside the door. It’s raining outside so he stands in the doorway.
CAPTION: I make the call.
BOW: “They’re ready. Yeah it’ll be easy. You sure you want this done?”
CAPTION: I’m fighting with myself inside, but I tell myself it isn’t up to me.

PANEL 3 – The Bowman, looking casually through the blinds into the bar, he can’t see anything inside.
BOW: “Okay. No, no-one else knows I’m here. No-one who’ll be missed.”
CAPTION: Not since my employer discovered, or fabricated, evidence that the other regular player at this table had been skimming a lot of money from our casino.

PANEL 4 – The Bowman has his free hand on the door, as much keeping it closed as he is getting ready to walk back in.
BOW: “Now? Right.”
CAPTION: My contact sounds suspicious of me. Too much reluctance came out in my voice there. I really am bad at bluffing.

PAGE 5

PANEL 1 – The Bowman back inside, glancing at his fellow players as he pours himself another drink at the bar.
(Mirror PAGE 3, PANEL 4, he’s looking away from them now.)
CAPTION: Still, a job’s a job, and we need these guys out of the way to distract our competitors long enough for someone higher up the ladder to do something big.

PANEL 2 – As the Bowman downs his drink, the next hand is being dealt at the table.
CAPTION: I sold my soul to the devil, and now he wants his due.

PANEL 3 – Big panel, close up of the Bowman. He’s got his game face on now, all devil grin and fire in his eyes.
BOW: “Hey fellas, miss me?”
CAPTION: As I put the glass back on the bar, I draw my guns...
CAPTION: END.

[mattgarvey1981]

Hey Craggy,

I really like this.
The atmosphere created in the is fantastic.
Your descriptions are very tactile.
Its has a good pace but still allows the tension to build like a scene from a Hitchcock movie.
That's is a hard thing to do, so Well done.

My only criticism is that sometimes i found the dialogue a little clunky and it didn't have the same POP as the story.
It helps me if i say the dialogue out loud, kinda acting out all the parts.
It makes you look and sound like a schizophrenic, but for me it really helps my scripts flow better.

Overall it's a great story and i don't think you will have trouble finding an artist to work on this.
Congrats buddy

Post more soon.

[Steve Sensible]

I like it, but I think it would have been better if there were fewer captions describing the action. As it is, it's almost an illustrated prose piece rather than a comic. Nicely written though.

[O.S. Georg]

Agreed, it’s pretty good stuff you have there! You get a good sense of the characters over the pretty short span of the story. It might be that they are a little stereo typical, but I don’t think that’s a problem at all.
About the dialogue, some of it, like this sentence: “I know he’s no child molester, but it always amuses me the way criminals try to cling to some honour when accused of acts they’ve chosen not to commit whilst ignoring the wrongs they have done” - I like the idea behind, but they come off as a little unwieldy and clunky. Try to see if you can boil down stuff like that and make it more compact – or alternatively you can expand and make it more colorful (though I doubt it fit the story). As it is now, it’s at a weird middle stage.
Other than that I think the mood is great in the story and the pacing is superb. I was really interested in finding out what happened next.

[craggy]

thanks guys. i'd written it as just dialogue and prose describing the action. hammered the actual comic script part of it on later, and definitely felt it needed a bit more work.

i'll see what I can do, you've given me a few pointers towards getting the flow of the story right. fingers crossed for round 2.

[Kavanagh]

One more pointer - When reading I thought that the Captions were for someone other than the Bowman, might just be an idea to put Caption (Bowman) on them so whoever's doing the lettering for you will know what's what.

Other than that a nice idea, and I agree with the others about the dialogue, in places anyway. That bit about the child molester I thought that worked.

[Sanjay]

Good to see you back in the Creative forum with some new work, Craggy.

[Arjan Dirkse]

Craggy, reading comic scripts always gives me a migraine, but I read it and I like it. Nice little story.

I'd just repeat what others have said, that there seem to be a lot of captions.